Well, it's been a while (I think I say that everytime I post...oh well)...

And we are - according to my calendar - finished with 21 weeks and in week 22!  Can you believe it...over half way there...  Time certainly flies when - YOU MISS THE FIRST TRIMESTER!!! We found out at about 11 weeks and were pretty much into the second trimester when we told everyone, so it's been a whirlwind for sure.

Ultrasound at a free clinic week 12 - (05/31/12):

(bebes is upside down...but you can see the little arms and legs)

Ultrasound at Kaiser week 16 - (06/27/12):

(side profile...we were amazed how much bebes had grown in four weeks)

Next appointment is tomorrow, and we will get to see it again, of course...but since my doctor thinks I am not as far along as I think I am, I don't know that he is going to tell us the sex yet.  At the 12 week they said we were about 5 days behind when I thought we were due (December 15th moved to December 20th), then at the 16 week we were suddenly almost two weeks behind (December 27th).  So, my thought...small baby.  D was in the 10th percentile in utero and barely over 5lbs when he was born.  The doctor originally wanted to schedule our 20 week radiology ultrasound between August 10th-20th...but at four locations, they have no openings until September...  So, we are just hopeful the little one will face us clearly and we will have no issues seeing which it is - and that the doctor will actually tell us!

This has been the most incredible thing!  God has blessed us so greatly...

Despite so many stressors that we have been through in the last few months, and ones we know we are approaching (particularly when bebes makes their debut)...this has been such an incredible weight lifted.  I have said that and a few individuals have thought me crazy, or used the infamous words "just wait...".  But, seriously, the weight of infertility is an unimaginable burden (unless you yourself have experienced it) - to have that weight so unexpectedly lifted, and in such a miraculous way is so freeing.  My God has freed me from that burden.  And though D and I are never without stress and drama in our simple life, that load that had been building over nearly six years, and piled with each new pregnancy and each new birth announcement (each birthday that passed of those pregnancy we heard announced)...it's incredible what a difference this has made.

Does all that mean I am as light as a butterfly and full of life?  No...sadly.  haha...I - just like every other expectant mother - am experiencing hormones, hot flashes (my WORD July/August in southern California at 5 months, while attempting to not run the AC is brutal), exhaustion - which leads to more mood swings, and starving hunger.  However, praise the Lord, I haven't thrown-up thus far.  He has been so merciful on me.  I truly believed that after waiting so long, and begging Him, and arguing with Him, and pleading that I'd take ANYTHING the pregnancy could throw at me...please bless us with a child..............well, I was sure I was going to have a rough pregnancy.  Gladly, no, thus far.  Remember, I didn't even know I was pregnant until 11 weeks...the nausea I experienced has been controllable with eating, anxiety and overheating seems to be controlled by sitting and breathing slowly, I'm over most initial food adversions (except avocados...so sad), really the only thing I can do very little about is headaches and cramps in my hips.
 - I'm sorry but one standard strength Tylenol doesn't do anything! -

I'm anxious to know the sex...but both times we have had an ultrasound the little one has been squirming.  The first proved it was definitely a spastic little child of D's...and the second showed toes and fingers wiggling, bebe stretching, and what we believe was the hickups...

I've got some great ideas about the "nursery" but I'll save that until later (maybe until we know the sex)...but theme I believe is owls!!! 

Anyway, more to come...

Woah!!! Didn't see that one coming...

My last three cycles are as follows:

October 7th, 2011
February 5th, 2012 (yes, that's right...I was going for a record! 120 day cycle...)
March 11th, 2012

April 18th, spotting...right after some "activity" the night before...
A week later a little more "activity"...another day of "spotting", if you could call it that...

Since the end of April my "girls" have been so sensitive that I can't touch any part of them...to the point where sleeping is painful, and to roll over in the middle of the night wakes me up (this hasn't stopped for even one day).  I got a little concerned by this and did a self breast exam about a week ago, which was EXTEREMLY painful, but...of course...everything seemed normal.  What is NOT normal (for me because I am not "the norm") is that despite my "prolactin" imbalance, I have not had any lactation issues in the last month......curiouser and curiouser...

I've been STARVING for the last 2 1/2 weeks...however, everything I eat I feel like an hour later I'm trying not to puke it up.  Nausea non-stop for the last 2 1/2 - 3 weeks, constantly (again something that has not stopped since it started). 

I have had really bad allergies this season; considering the weather, change of environment, and the fact that we work/live next to a place that has weed-eating and lawn mowing going multiple times per week.  However, for the last week, everytime I sneeze it feels as though my ovaries are going to come jumping out of me...painful and bazaar.  (And now, even coughing causes this feeling as well).

For the last 3-4 days I've had multiple occassions of bad acid-reflux.  Which, DH gets, but I don't typically (unless I were to eat spaghetti and then go for an hour hike in the sun).  Very unusual for me.

I've been exhausted, and no matter how much sleep I get- I'm still exhausted.  To which I have been blaming my absent mindedness when I completely lose my train of thought...

Now, all of this can be attributed to stress.  My body/system is so messed up, it doesn't take much to throw it for a loop.  Look at the length of time between my October and February cycles...that was most definitely stress related (in addition to my medical complications).

I have PCOS and a Prolactin imbalance so no matter what, my body acts as though I am having pregnancy symptoms, however since my miscarriage in April 2007, I have not received a single positive pregnancy test.  Five years...and well over five since we went off birth control. 

Well, yesterday we were running errands and D brought up that maybe we should grab some tests while we are at the store...I told him all the symptoms I've been having lately and the fact that I always get excited when something weird happens, but it turns out to be nothing- so, I've been trying not to bring it up...

Well, we picked some up at Target - they were on sale...

This morning (cause it's "better to test first thing in the morning")...



I lost my mind!  I started crying...I had a good, hysterical 20 minutes...thank you Lord!  Praise God!  Thank you for hearing me!  Finally, life gets to start for us...

We've been in this "hang" mode since being "newlyweds"...not much has changed for us, though we've experienced alot of life since then...now we get to finally move forward with something.

Now, this post is being written on May 17th...however, I won't be posting it until we've AT LEAST hit 12 weeks...so...I'll keep journaling.  But, we aren't announcing just yet.  After our first positive, and so long of waiting...I know what is smart, and customary, to do...and as much as I'd rather have the support group if something were to go wrong again, I'd rather not get my own hopes up.  We've waited so long...and it has been a painful, agonizing road.  I've lately all but given up, and felt as though I'll be too old to make much of an effort at a family by the time life itself works out for us to afford treatment.  D told me, he was praying a few days ago, that God would give me a sign that would ease me and give us some direction in which we are supposed to head (not just pertaining to infertility treatment or babies).  Here it is, we are so guarding our hearts, but we are trusting that the extremely long dry spell was God waiting for His timing to open up the womb and pour out a child upon us.  And, that is why we got our first positive in the last five years......


God protect our baby.  Keep it safe.  Grow it to be healthy, and strong.  This precious, long awaited blessing.  Thank you Lord.


Oh, and since it was there...Happy belated Mother's Day to me...

Fertility Clinic Appt- July 13th...

...wow...when will this appointment ever get here...

to have an appointment scheduled out almost 2 months is painful!  we received the new patient paperwork for the fertility clinic extremely quickly, i filled almost all of it out the night we received it...then i received a call reminding me to fill out a health questionaire on their patient portal online prior to the appointment so i did that a few day ago.......and we still have 5 days to go!!!

filling out the paperwork, and sorting through my health history records so that i could make an accurate timeline was depressing the last few days.  as D said, "why? we are taking care of the issue..."...yes, however, sitting and sorting through mountains of paperwork that describe what i've said to my doctors, what tests i've had done, how much is wrong with me, and to think of how long it's been and we have no resolution yet can just get a little daunting...

i have this deep dread that we are going to open this can of worms by doing this, and that nothing is going to come of it.  i trust God, He has always provided for us...but this is something i basically have lost all hope for. it feels like an epic battle with will never conclude, that i may continue to seek resolution...but a baby will never come.

.........depressing, right?..........

anyway, prayers are appreciated.  i'm nervous to start with a new doctor also, but everything i have heard about NCFMC thus far has been good...so we shall see...five more days, and we start a very different phase of this journey!

Here We Go...

Well, I don't have a great memory...so excuse me if I am repeating myself.  But, I was really hoping my new Dr was going to put me on the perscriptions I was on previously so we could see if those were going to work for me. Then, after trying that we could figure out where to go from there...   Well, not so...he felt that after the amount of time we've spent without being successful, it was really beyond him, and to get things done quickly, it's time for a specialist to step in. I have really bazaar mixed feelings about this...on one hand: GREAT! I have felt this way for a long time, I can't believe we've endured 4 years of trying without a specialist being involved...one the other hand: YIKES! it just became that much more real, that much more sobering, and that much more serious as far as insurance and medical expenses are concerned.  I've been ready to take serious action for a long time now, but I just thought we'd have a little more time to prepare for the toll a "fertility clinic" takes on the emotions and the checking account...

Well, I put it off long enough...a month after getting the phone call from the Northern California Fertility Medical Center...and after having hit 100 days since my last cycle...it was time. Everything that has been going on the last week and a half has really refreshed the wounds and made it clear that I am not prepared to wait any longer...  SO! July 13th...we have our first appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, to discuss history, treatment options, etc...

Prayers are greatly appreciated...

Mother's Day...great way to finish off #NIAW

Mother's Day...I really can't explain it.  I have a full on war raging within me...I am not as bitter of a person as I may seem on here, this is just my outlet.  In my head I get angry, depressed, concerned and paranoid about my potential emotional stability when entering circumstances...then, I'll get mad at myself for feeling that way, I'll start thinking I'm being irrational, too sensitive, and need to suck it up.

Three years ago, D and I were at our church for Mother's Day.  Didn't think too much of it.  I have always mentally focused solely on my mom on that day and growing up I never thought about being a part of it...and prior to that Sunday, the idea of it never really effected me.  Well, three years ago that dreaded day for the infertile couples in the world hit me so hard.  All the mother's get a flower when they enter the church...making it quite obvious who the mother's are and how many of them there are.  The sermon always is on mother's and parenting and children.  But this particular message, "Mother's Matter" (a pun since the series we were in was called Money Matters), maybe it was just the wording of it...but it caused me to see Mother's Day in a brighter light, and motherhood slightly differently as well.  My pastor had all of the mother's stand up...and then began to describe how important they are.  That they have been chosen and blessed with the responsibility of raising the future generations (I looked for a link to the sermon but couldn't find one that worked).  A couple rows in front of me was the cutest, little woman who was VERY pregnant, and beaming...I looked around and the people sitting were either children or men....I felt like the only married female NOT standing.  And, I suddenly felt so alone...so depressed...I started pleading with God, why? why not me?  ...ok, ok...now someone is going to get offend and say "God has a plan", and that I shouldn't talk to him that way.  Really? Well, my God...He's big enough to handle that.  He made me with my personality, He instilled this longing inside of me, He knows how much I'm aching, and He is my Creator so He knows I don't do well when I don't know the outcome...  Anyway, that alone depressed feeling initiated the emotions...after that each description of motherhood and parenting hit me harder and harder, the wounds got deeper and deeper......ever since, that one Sunday has stood out SO clearly in my mind, everytime I start struggling with the journey I remember that and I begin to think I will never be that...I will never get the opportunity to bear a child, to parent, to be honored for my struggles of raising children in our society, to feel the relationship with my child and the pride that comes with watching to see the adult they become.

I just yesterday went to lunch with ladies from my family...we do that once a month.  My great-aunt (my grandma's sister) was sitting there holding her 6 week old great-grandson...and someone made a comment about my cousin (who just recently married a woman with a child already), my mom said "your granddaughter *****, OH! wait, your...great-granddaughter"...and it sunk in, I was the first of our generation to get married (now there's five of us married) and after almost five years, I still haven't made my mom a grandma...and my grandma (despite her longing for it) is still not a great-grandmother...

My mother-in-law referred me to two podcasts from Focus on the Family. To my surprise, they really hit the nail on the head.  They even admitted that they are so often geared towards family and raising children, and infertility doesn't really ever come up, but it is a huge issue.  So, thank you Focus on the Family for stepping out of your box for a couple days. If you feel so inclined, you have the time, and would like to truely understand how I and others feel (though I so often can't express myself), listen to the links below...part one and two. They were the podcasts for May 9th and 10th...and I felt like their two guests (both infertility patients) were speaking FOR me.  It was incredible.  One of the guests is Marlo Schalesky...she's the author of Empty Womb, Aching Heart, one of the books I've been reading, and a huge advocate for infertility awareness.  The funny thing is the description of how one of them felt at church on Mother's Day was so clearly my experience...Please listen (despite the cheesy intro and conclusions that are so typical of "Christian radio"), and spread the awareness...

PART ONE
http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2011/2_april_may_june/ffd_20110509.mp3
PART TWO
http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2011/2_april_may_june/ffd_20110510.mp3

#NIAW - Bust A Myth - "you're just not hitting it right"

Resolve (the National Center for Infertility) has people blogging about infertility myths to burst the bubbles of those who use them like water. I've read a couple interesting ones...for example (one we've all heard), "You're young, you still have plenty of time"...As I commented on my facebook, D and I originally wanted four kids.  Yes, we are still relatively young, at age 28 and 27.  But, at this stage we will likely have at least more years of treatment before conceiving...the FIRST.  At this point we will be at 30.  If we settle with two or three kids and space them properly (about two to three years in between), when we reach the age of 40 we will have three kids under the age of TEN, one of which will still be either an infant or toddler.  When my parents hit 40...I WAS A HIGH SCHOOLER!  All this doesn't even touch upon the risk factors that go into conception, carrying, and birthing for women beyond the age of 35.  So, I will respectfully reject the notion that we "have plenty of time"...we may still feel like newlyweds, but we've been married for 5 years and have been TTC almost that entire time...the next 7-8 year window before I reach 35 will close quickly.

Now, onto the myth I wanted to address.  "You're probably just not hitting it at the right time".  Really?  Those are some incredible odds...FIVE YEARS and we have only once "hit it right".  No, I'm sorry...but no matter how many times we time it exactly right, it's not just going to happen suddenly.  Remember, the definition of infertility is "a year or more of unprotected sex".  They provide that 12 month window to rule out variables such as timing.  No, once you are diagnosed with infertility whether explained or not, there is something larger at play than timing.

The funny thing, is that despite the fact that our journey is approaching five years, (four years this month since I've seen a positive pregnancy test), and the fact that they have found and identified a few legitimate issues I still hear this "helpful advice" from those closest to me.  I have PCOS and Prolactinemia.  Two legitimate issues that don't just one day decide to stop blocking pregnancy just because we timed it right this month.  Until, we figure out how to treat these (since there is no cure for either), we will not be successful.  And even at that point we may find that there are other factors as well.

This just made me think of an age old saying, "If you can't think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  Those of us in the infertile community are struggling with this issue enough that in addition to the medical advice we are receiving from medical professionals, we are doing research on our own, and know more about the way the female body works (thanks to our issues) than the general public does.  We need to spread awareness, not only so that this disease becomes a NON-taboo topic, but also so that the public does not naively think that because they were fertile and were successful in their TTC attempts that they know better and are the proper people to give advice.......regardless of how well intended the advice may be.

#NIAW

Well, for today's Facebook lesson for #NIAW I shared that approximately 1/3 of couples experiencing infertility deal with female issues, about a third are male factors, roughly 20% are unexplained, and the remaining are both male and female complications...I also shared something someone posted on RESOLVES Facebook page: the 1 in 8 ratio means that about 12 of every 100 Facebook friends are suffering from infertility! Those are big odds...

I never really thought about that myself, I know of a couple friends but not somewhere around 36 of them! It makes me feel not so alone, and yet makes me realize that there's people suffering in silence out there!

#NIAW - National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week...So, I am sharing an educational nugget each day on my facebook page.  Today I posted the definition of infertility:  the inability to conceive or carry a child to term after a year or more without contraceptives.  And that 1 in 8 US couples of child-bearing age are diagnosed with infertility.  I added the RESOLVE Twibbon to my twitter and facebook profile pictures...

So, far I have had a couple friends "like" or comment on facebook...but we shall see...by the end of the week, I hope that all my facebook friends will be a little less naive about infertility and the fact that I am 1 in 8.

New Dr...time to start over

Ok, well my first Dr. appointment with Dr. Maher of Sutter Medical was this morning.  Did all the routine stuff, he let me explain (in great detail) my history and where we are at now.  And his question to me at the end of all that was "So, what is your plan?" heh, well, I haven't been asked that thus far and didn't really know what to say...but I answered with "As soon as possible!"  That's the obvious answer from an infertile woman, isn't it?

Well, he scheduled a full blood panel work up...but, he said that he is going to need to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. My Dr. in Newport Beach did all the typical "low hanging fruit" tests that are what an OBGYN can grasp at, but now we need a specialist to step in and figure out what is going to be the best direction for us from here.  Which makes me happy, because I feel like I'm moving in a direction of some kind (though I don't know what that is just yet).  And I feel a little more justified in my "infertility", though I know I (by definition) AM infertile I can still doubt myself and feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion. 

However, I am nervous.  I will not be seeing a female health Dr. (which is covered by insurance), I'll be seeing a specialist...a reproductive specialist, at that.  Did you know that in the United States only a small portion of the states have passed mandates to make health care cover infertility expenses?  Did you know that as of now, California is not one of them?  So, yes, I'm a bit concerned...things from here on out get more serious, more involved, more expensive, and less of it is covered by health insurance.  I was originally hoping that my Dr. would represcribe the Rx's that I hadn't been on very long before to see if they would truely do the job...and then we would have an alternative that would allow us to be covered and prolong the specialist. But, he believes that there are other options that will be more productive than the two meds I was on...

So, I am waiting to hear about my blood work...and I am also waiting to hear from specialists to schedule referral appointments.  I hope and pray that the neurosurgeons office pulls their act together though!  My Dr. sent them a referral as well so that we could do one more MRI check just to make sure that the tumor is not the issue...they responded that they have no record of me being a patient ever (which is just about as disorganized and clueless as they acted when D and I tried to start this process three years ago).  So, we shall see how that one works out! :P

At least things are moving, right?

so sadly neglected blog...

Wow...I haven't been on here in AGES!

Combination of excuses include:
     *  I've been working full-time since November
     *  Our computer crashed entirely at the beginning of February
     *  Trying to get a handle on life has completely taken all I have out of me.

Ok, so those are my excuses...but, here we are...and here's a new post!

I love Shabby Blogs!!!  Megan (of Shabby Blogs) is amazing and through many circumstances reformatted all the free backgrounds and blog extras that I use...so I'll be refreshing the page and making it look lighter (I liked my previous background, but have to admit it was a little depressing...).  To make your blog beautifully shabby chic click here, to follow the Shabby Blogs Blog click here.

Further more...I have some updates...
As it goes with working full-time, I now have health benefits!!!  WooHoo! Finally, so I am beyond eager and excited to get the ball rolling all over again and hopefully find some answers.  I searched for hours a couple weeks ago for a Dr. that could rival the amazing Dr. Clayton that I had when we were living in Southern California...and found one (I think anyway).  Someone I work with, who is pregnant, recommended a certain group at the local hospital/medical group and he is in that office...and one of his "interested" areas in his profile is "infertility" (the only one I found that said that).  So, I requested all my records and scheduled an appointment.........now, if only the 19th could get here so we can get moving already!
I am very eager and anxious, the working full-time has been a strain on our marriage due to the schedules we've been keeping, but it has helped me in the dwelling on our infertility aspect of the whole thing.  Though, since time is still passing and babies are still not being made...I have had a few breakdowns at work...FIRSTS! (Read my other blog post "First Breakdown at Work" for details on that).

I see I have acquired a few more followers since last posting (thank you for following)...and hope to gain more! I also hope to be much more faithful in blogging, especially since I am hoping to actually have something to post about again!

Oh, the Holidays

Christmas time is such a fun time...I become a little kid during the holidays. I get this from my mom! The one thing I've been really pleased with along our infertility struggle has been that it hasn't ruined the holidays for me. I love fall and winter for what they are and enjoy them all by myself! Most couples really struggle during this time (like with mothers day and fathers day) because it feels like another reminder that the holidays are not quite as meaningful because Christmas is somewhat a childs holiday...

Well, this is the first year that Christmas has brought feelings of depression and that "another year" has passed...another Christmas without a family photo card, without a happy announcement or something exciting to discuss with people at parties. And because my crazy brain functions the way it does...I start rabbit trailing, "and if we don't get pregnant soon we may be pregnant but not have a baby by next Christmas either!"  (Yes, I know, I'm a wreck). Luckily, this year, I was able to get a seasonal job...so I have been working alot over the last month or so...and I think that's the only reason why I haven't had a huge break down just yet. But, we have definitely moved into the next stage of dealing with this...D this summer started feeling the burden as well, and now after Thanksgiving and Christmas I know the holidays are somewhat challenging to get through as well...

Lord, please provide relief soon, we are so weary...

Thanksgiving

Well, I've graduated into the next tier of the infertility journey...holidays and family events. OYE!

This year, for Thanksgiving we were with my mom's side...large family, warm and loud environment. It's definitely a postcard picture of what holidays with family looks like.  Well, shortly after D and I get there...we were sitting visiting with my cousins and my grandma. My cousin and I are one year apart, and were pretty close growing up, we graduated (same grade) from the same high school, and he celebrated his one year anniversary with his wife this year. My grandma (knowing a little of my situation and a little of my cousin and his wife's position about not being ready to have babies just yet), turned to him and started asking him questions about when and so on. This spurs a self-defense mechanism and he turns and says "Me? What about her?" and points to me........you know, no matter how many quick comebacks I come up with and how many times I convince myself "the next time someone does ___ I will have something to say about it", I always end up sitting there stunned..........well, I just sat there and stared at him, then I looked at my grandma (rather pitifully) and she hugged me, turned to him and said "She's working on it, she can't help it."

OF COURSE, my cousin is the sweetest guy alive and would never dream of being rude or insensitive about anything...and his face when grandma said that told it all, he knew he went somewhere he shouldn't have...but really? Why do people ASSUME? Why not ask first? I have always put this barrier up at family parties preparing myself for things like that...and the most I've ever gotten is a couple questions about when we were planning to start, but here we are...it has begun.  We are no longer the only ones of our generation married. Including our extended family two couples were married last summer and one more is getting married this coming spring. The race is on...to make our mothers grandmothers, our grandmothers great-grandmothers. And the fact that one of the couples (which obviously is NOT my cousin and his wife) is half way through their pregnancy has woken everyone up and caused the pressure and third degree to be on the rest of us.

So, oh well, he didn't mean it...he didn't know what he was saying...AND, surprisingly, grandma came to my defense when I was speechless.

Well, my cousin and his wife live a few hours away and they were staying through the weekend, so we planned to have dinner with them two days later before they headed out of town (first couples thing we'd ever done with them). Well, we were all ready and at first couldn't figure out what the plans were, then they changed slightly (to dessert instead of dinner), then when we met up with them it because an us, my brother, and all my cousins outting...when we got back to play games, his wife was preoccupied with something and wouldn't come near us. Fine, whatever, I can sympathize with moodiness or melancholy. Well, D went out to the kitchen to get something to drink and my aunt and cousins wife were having a tift about "babies" and whatever they were saying they dragged me into it and hushed up as soon as D walked in the room.  Really? How old are we again?

Let me make this quite clear: IF YOU DON'T KNOW OUR SITUATION OR DON'T UNDERSTAND IT..........ASK!!!!  I'm just at my wits end over this...I don't know what to do...I'm so tired of the situation itself, and I try to be very understanding of everyone else when I start having a emotional attack over it (whether that mean changing the subject or leaving the room or simply being non-chalant over peoples comments...the last thing I want to do is make other people uncomfortable or feel like they're walking on egg shells)...but, is it too selfish to ask people to talk to me about it? or to have a little shred of sensitivity about the issue, that they just may not know the whole situation? We have not waited four years to have a baby because we don't want to or it's too soon...we had a miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago and have had no luck since...

...let's top the last 24 hours off...shall we?

oh yes...and of course...who decided to show up this afternoon, after my last 24 hours of emotional craziness, but Aunt Flo...when it rains, it pours!  :P

Follow Up...Trying to Sleep Last Night

D was out as of 10pm (on the sofa)...and I kinda moved him upstairs.  But picking up and dropping his own arm on him wasn't phasing him, so I left the light on and thumbed through my Bible for a while.

I sent my mom a, likely pathetic, email last night asking her to pray about the issue and for my emotions...I climbed into bed and decided to read any verses I stumbled upon. Even if it's at random and has NOTHING to do with my issue it typically will calm me down enough to sleep. The first page I openned to was Psalm 69.  David's talking about his sins and wars and enemies...but the first grouping of verses I thought were interesting since I just openned to them.

Psalm 69:1-3a
"Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched."

Interesting...then, after thumbing through a while...I came upon the first chapter of I Samuel, which I actually had a bookmark in. I read the first and the beginning of the second chapter twice, and got different encouragement out of it both times. This is the story of Hannah...a story Christian infertility patients know well...and one that there is even a book all about it, "Hannah's Hope". She was sick with grief over being barren. Her husbands other wife, and her rival, was very fertile and flaunted over her. She tortured her about her infertility.
Verse 6-20
"And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, 'Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?' 
"Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the Lord's temple. In bitterness of the soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, 'O Lord Almighty, if You will only look upon Your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.'
"As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not hear. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, 'How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine.'
"'Not so, my lord,' Hannah replied, 'I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicken woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.'
"Eli answered, 'Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of Him.'
"She said, 'May your servant find favor in your eyes.' Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
"Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the Lord for him.'"

First time through, I did the typical...I thought to myself, because I am also in agony and praying fervently and wrestling with God over a child, I just have to be patient because He will grant that to us also. Well, as we know, that's not really how He works. For His purpose, He granted that to Hannah...but the Bible is not a play book that if we do what they did, then God will do for us what He did for them......no.

So, second time through...I was encouraged. I had just finished typing my last blog entry and had been talking about how I feel alone and I truely do feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because the people around me treat my grief like I am crazy...and here was Hannah. Sick with grief to the point of not eating (and she is not the only infertility patient in the Bible who was so upset they didn't eat)! She was so worked up that her husband thought she was drunk! In my post last night, I also commented on how just hearing other testimonials and reading other peoples stories makes me feel not so alone because there are others feeling the same thing and experiencing the same thing...last night I felt very alone (even D was in la-la-land and I'm pretty sure doesn't even know about last nights breakdown), and here I read about a woman who was so sick she was doing the "bargaining with God", her husband thought she was drunk, she wasn't caring for herself (eating that is) because she was so consumed by the misery of barrenness. And the story was important enough to be included in the Bible. And, her's isn't the only infertility story told in the Bible...Elizabeth, Sarah, Sarai, Hannah, Samson's mother, and I'm sure I'm missing a couple...

Anyway, all that to say God held me, encouraged me...and though I wonder where He's at and what He's doing about this issue- He was with me in my grief, comforted me, and I was able to settle down and sleep (perhaps not peacefully but still).

Where are You, Lord?

My family has been dealing with alot of waiting on the Lord lately.  One of my aunts has been battling cancer for eight years (as long as I've known D!). She had ovarian cancer, and the stage we caught it in was so progressed...I had a high school friend who's mom was in the same stage, discovered a month after my aunts, her tumor was a bit smaller than my aunts, and she passed away a month later. My aunt is a testimony to modern day miracles that the Lord performs, and His healing power. She's never been free, entirely, of it...and it's been getting worse. It's in her lungs and liver now, chemo doesn't seem to be having the effect on her counts that it has in the past...and we are praying for more miracles and more options (as, after eight years, the treatment options have run scarce).

My amazing aunt holds out that she believes she is enduring all of this for a reason. That there is a greater purpose to this major trial that has not played out yet. We all believe this, and there is a multitude of faithful believers in my family, and prayer warriors...and despite the fact that we all keep praying we are all beginning to ask God..."Where are You...do You hear us?  Please answer us soon!" Now, our feelings of this don't change the fact that we know God doesn't leave our side...we also know that He is capable but is not required to do anything...we also know that He always answers our prayers ~ perhaps just not the way we would like Him to.  I firmly believe that regardless of the outcome, my aunt situation will serve a higher purpose and God will use it in an amazing way...we all of course hope and pray that this means He, once again, does something miraculous and ultimately heals her. However, His purpose could be served otherwise, He could answer with a "no" and the whole thing could work out in an amazing way for the good anyhow.  Our thoughts are not His thoughts, our ways are not His ways...and we cannot see what He has in store...it's in His hands, we just pray fervently, but ultimately His will be done.


Weird...I was talking about that all with my mom this afternoon. She has been praying so faithfully for miracles, for healing. And she is waiting on Him to move. And she is beginning to ask "Lord...where are You...?" This evening, I found out some wonderful news for a friend of mine. She told me a couple weeks ago that she was pregnant. Well, today she found out it's twins......  D had the same thought I did- one wasn't enough?  Heh, as horrible as I feel for thinking that, because I am overjoyed and it's an amazing thought to me for her and her husband...it was, sadly, more or less aimed at God. Yes, I have that kind of relationship with Him. He's my Father. He knows me better than I know myself. He made me, temper and hormones and all...and He knows His plans for me...but I don't...and I'm tired, and sad, and frustrated, and I'm wondering if He's listening (even though I know He's right here holding me as I cry...and throwing my little tantrum). And though OBVIOUSLY I am not dying (or at least, not that I know of physically), and I am not going through the type of pain my aunt is. But, a friend said something comforting to me this week...as I progress on my journey of realizing and not denying the situation I am in..."pain is pain"...it's ok for me to feel pained by this- thank you Charlene...you don't know what that means, especially coming from you! :)  I still feel so alone in it. That I am the lone voice crying to God and pleading to Him...petitioning for a baby. I'm wondering why it is that my mom seems to think I make all of this up...that these feelings are over dramatized in some way. I wonder if she prays for a baby for us, if she's hurting for me...the way she hurts for others around her. I know her and her sister and her mother were all of the "fertile mertile" variety...but I long so badly to help infertility awareness in my family. But somehow everytime I attempt to discuss it, the issue seems to be thrown into a "Megs is a hypochondriac" category...or something...Really? I am not making this up!

Well, I started out asking God why?
"Why me?"
"Why do I have to deal with this?"
"Why can't this end?" 
And through up and downs and periods where I am handling the whole thing well, I have come to the point of...
"Lord, are You there?"
"Are You listening?"
"Are You going to answer me?"

I have no idea, not even the faintest, of how people without Christ get through this mess...because with Him I feel lost. I am clinging to Him every moment of every day...not just to get D and I through the trials we seem to continue to trudge along through...but through each moment that passes thinking that it's another moment lost...  I feel like I fall farther and farther behind- more than four years of marriage (as of August)...four years of no birth control (as of October)...and we've been trying ever since our miscarriage in April 2007 (yes, it really was a miscarriage, I had two positive pregnancy tests and the nurse when I started bleeding confirmed that I had miscarried...I didn't make it up)...we sought help in February 2009, since we finally had health care, and as we felt we were getting somewhere-lost the health care. 

What now Lord?  How long?  How long until I have a happy announcement that You have blessed us with a life growing inside me? ('cause yes, that's where I stand on that issue as well)  How long until my baby bump is happily in my way?  How long until I endure the aches and pains knowing my baby is growing and getting ready to enter this world?  How long until I get to be the new mommy in the maternity ward?  How long until I can make D the tired daddy passed out with a newborn on his chest?

I know, I know...this is SO depressing.  But, let me remind you...this is my "journal" through my infertility journey. I am sharing RAW feelings of what I am going through: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I am sharing it on here because one huge thing that helped me through last year as I tried to open up about it was reading other peoples stories, books with testimonials, other patients REAL feelings, and being able to admit my own feelings...and I realized I'm not alone, I'm not crazy (though everyone around me may think so). There are other women out there enduring the same wretched thing...so, here I am...another voice...another infertility blog...another wanna-be-mommy...just trying to help those who are on this journey also, and spread awareness to those who aren't, and be able to vent and rant and rave about what I am experiencing...before I burst a blood vessel!

First Time in a Maternity Ward...

Well, Monday we got a call from our friends to see if we wanted to meet for dinner...and we hadn't hung out with them in so long we jumped at the opportunity!

D got off work, we threw ourselves together, and raced down the hill. We sat in Chevy's for happy hour...watched the last game of the World Series...(our Giants won!)...we visited for a long time, it was wonderful! They had left their little girl home because S was having contractions early that morning and they'd come up to the hospital and the little guy wasn't ready to come out yet. After visiting so long (and we live closer to the hospital than they do), we decided to all head up to our house. We visited for a while, caught up. D made waffles because he decided they had to try some of the jam I'd made, so that was our dessert. After that we sat and visited some more, but S was starting to get strong contractions again. They decided to stay the night just in case.

About an hour after going to bed, they were strong and frequent, and they decided to head off to the hospital. By the next evening, finally, he decided a week late was long enough and came out (pretty effortlessly too). Went went down late last night to bring them food and say hi.

It was my first time in a maternity ward...sort of surreal. All the families huddled in the doorways of recovery rooms. Balloons. Faint baby cries. We went into her delivery room, and he was laying on the table and the nurses where getting all his info entered and sorted out, taking his little footprints and everything. It was weird...I felt so excited yet out of place in a weird way. We helped them take everything to their room on the next floor, and I got to hold him while N and S ate their In-N-Out and just relaxed for a bit. Precious! Before that their daughter was the youngest baby I had held...D had held her in the hospital but I was sick and didn't see her until she was about five weeks old. This little guy was three hours old. He kept sucking on his tounge, and he didn't have the newborn screech, it was a softer cry...and as S said he responds to the same things his sister did when she was crying. (Which made calming him much less daunting)...

At first, the feelings were of wonder and adoration...he's REALLY cute! Then, the more I glanced up at D and the more he made little faces at me, it made me wish that it was our turn. My turn to be recovering, for us to stare proudly as our family held and adored our little one. It was hard...it got harder as we drove home...and then climbed into bed. I layed there in amazement at God and how the whole process works. I was thinking about how approximately 24 hours ago I was laying down to go to bed just like I am now, but my pregnant friend was in the room down the hall...and now her and her husband are sitting in the hospital with new baby #2, a boy...awaiting the next day when family would come and they'd get to bring him home.  It's amazing...and it was hard...and everything I thought of made me want to wonder and smile yet at the same time caused pain and made me want to cry...

the latest in...pregnancies...

ugh...and I have been doing SO good lately. staying positive, keeping busy and distracted, not dwelling on the infertility issue (or the fact that we currently don't have the means of even attempting to fix it, therefore prolonging the process). but, finally, I broke down this evening...

the topic is ALWAYS on the forefront of my mind...never leaves...I never stop thinking about the baby we don't have, and currently "can't" have...but, I have done well in controlling the emotions. tonight, however, I started to feel like my "controlling" it well has actually only been numbness and ignoring the issue as much as possible.

Saturday, all the ladies in the family did a day trip to the hills where there are orchards and in the fall you can stop at each one, walk through craft vendors...eat anything and everything made of/with apples!!!  We do a ladies lunch once a month, all extended family ladies: my grandma, her siblings --> all their kids --> all their kids! It's really fun...a huge group of three generations, wonderful ladies. Well, my cousin...once removed or second cousin, I've never really understood which...just announced she's pregnant with her first. They moved out of state after they got married (a year ago September) and just moved home, and shortly after are pregnant with their first. I am so happy for her, especially because they had a few issues starting out with pregnancy. But, seeing the bump...and it's a family member...of my generation...was really hard for me to absorb. But, at this point, like I said...felt more numb...I had to breathe slowly occassionally and swallow frequently...but I did really well!

Well, today one of my close friends sent me a hesitant message to let me know they are pregnant. It was one of the most sincere and sensitive responses to our issue I've received...and I was SO appreciative for that (who knows how emotional I would have been if it hadn't been). And, I am so happy for her also...her husband is military and they have also been out of state since getting married (over four years ago), and with deployments and training it wasn't very practical to start...and they haven't tried until he got back from his last deployment 3-4 months ago. She was beginning to think she had PCOS that would cause her to have major issues conceiving also...and I wish it on NO ONE, so I am very excited for her.

I was still doing good at this point, still the numbness I think...then D walked upstairs and started reading the message over my shoulder, and what I was typing back to her. Without saying anything he just leaned over an hugged me, tight. And I lost it! Thank you honey for that! No, seriously...the flood gates openned...so the numbness was just holding back more energy and it was going to burst at some point...

I'm just tired that's all...I know I'm not at the point of ignoring the issue and proceeding with the "if it happens it happens attitude" because I've tried and can't...flat out, can't describe it...but it never leaves my thoughts, it is ever present. But, I am exhausted from the "being strong" for so long and then finally letting it out...but when I wear it on my sleeve constantly I just feel jaded, and I don't like that either......I'm tired of feeling like the option is just out of my reach, I could potentially be on an Rx that could make it "anytime now" (according to my old Dr.)- but due to our current position, we left my Dr in SoCal and I can't get an Rx from him, can't afford the Rx or a new Dr cause we don't have coverage right now...

I can talk myself in circles for days about this whole thing...and I'm just tired...

My Facebook has turned into BabyBook...

Has anyone else been experiencing this recently?

Oye...and I thought it was bad about two years ago when every week seemed like a new pregnancy announcement...NOW!!! Every week is: "my baby's turning one", "new family photos", "I'm pregnant", "baby #2 is almost here", "found out we are having a girl!", "our daughter is going to be a big sister"...wow...so, what you're saying is that I not only got left in the dust with the first (and some people's second) round of baby bumps, but now the second round is about to pop also? so now two kids and on to the third...???

Ya, as if I didn't feel like every AF I get was another missed opportunity, or another month prolonged before I'd hold a baby of my own...but now it feels like everything else is speading forward and progressing, and I'm standing still. Not much has changed for DH and I in the last few years...sure, we've matured, and we have experienced and been through ALOT!  But, every step we take forward, we seem to take at least one back...  Yes, yes...I can hear your thoughts now (I've heard it all before): "it's just not your time", "your time is not necessarily everyone elses timing", "it'll happen", "you're still young", "maybe you're just hitting it wrong", "now probably isn't the best time anyway..."

...well, honestly, do you REALLY think any of that is helpful???  Do you REALLY think that I am not in enough agony to be trying to convince myself of all those things to make it better???  AND! Do you REALLY think that saying "now's probably not the best time" makes me want a child, and to be a mother, and to make my husband a father any less???

I have heard this from alot of people lately (mostly people with other forms of cancer), that it is wonderful that Breast Cancer has broken free of taboo. That awareness is everywhere! That there isn't just a nationally recognized awareness month, but that EVERYTHING turns pink during October, showing the support from so many reputable companies all over the world.  But what about the rest of us?  I have a dear high school friend who's sister has AngioSarcoma. A VERY rare and very agressive cancer. What about her? They have no awareness month...searching for it on google turns up almost nothing...I found a comment someone made on a site about the ribbon being yellow with a sunflower on it, but found NOTHING else to support that......how do you think they feel seeing the sea of pink in October? (even if you are a girl that likes pink)

Well, I do not have a life threatening illness...so after that last paragraph it seems trivial to even type this...but I feel a small fraction of that exclusion. What about infertility???  Infertility IS still taboo! I have almost no one that I can talk to about what I am feeling, or going through...or how depressed I am or how my heart is aching.  I know now it's no longer an issue of me being too secretive about it. I have worked really hard over the last year to not belittle the issue, to talk openly about it, to share with our family about where we are at...and here we stand. PCOS (being that it is an actual physical condition that seems more tangible) has a ribbon...it's teal. September is PCOS awareness month. Well, that is at least part of my problem, but infertility in general just seemed to get lumped with it...and would you have known that TEAL was the awareness color last month if I hadn't said something???

...between facebook over the last two-three months, and the widespread discussion of breast cancer awareness saturating the "awareness" of the public...I have felt exceedingly like a person standing in a room screaming...standing still...the whole world flying by me...and I can barely move...

First Birthday Party Experience...and then some...

Well, my friend who was my first close friend to be pregnant (in the way that I was around her the whole way through her pregnancy and after) just threw her little girl her 1st birthday party. So, first one of those I've been to...

Children's birthday parties is up there on the list of events infertility patients don't like to go to, or it is just a trial to endure. Christmas (when you see family that may not know your situation or all the other kids are experiencing Christmas), baby showers (for obvious reasons), births (for obvious reasons), mother's/father's day (the days everyone at church boasts about how blessed you are because God chose you to raise a child, and you're left out of that wishing you weren't), and birthday parties...

This was a doosy! If you know our situation...D was highway patrol, and that ended quickly and semi-painfully. Aside from family everyone at the party was couples. The husbands were all CHP, the wives were all pregnant, had two kids, etc...  Talk about a nightmare. We really didn't know anyone terribly well, D is a superfriendly person and was able to relate to some of what the guys were talking about...but the second he said he was with the CHP anymore they shut him off (one person literally stopped talking to him altogether and walked away!)...really? and these are you're church friends??? wow, we feel so welcome and love and feel Christ-like attitudes being poured out! I had nothing to talk to anyone but my friends sister about (and that was mostly talking about everyone else), because I tried to stand with a group of the ladies and "She just had him, he's x-lbs x-oz"..."oh, she's doing ok, she's on bedrest right now"..."oh we just found out we are pregnant!"..."ya, only a few more weeks..."..."we start so-and-so in school soon".....wow, ok, had enough of that.  I've read stories and heard about how horrible that can be...but it felt as though we didn't have anywhere to turn from getting hit with something...

Needless to say, the long drive home (and through traffic no less) was long, and sad, and depressing, and we were exhausted from pasting our smiles on...

keeping my mind otherwise occupied...

wow...i've been surprisingly successful at this lately! well over the last two weeks anyway.

yes, though the thought never leaves my mind, and the longing never leaves my heart (literally...not even a "mostly", IT is always there), over the last two weeks my mind has been busy enough to not dwell...and well that's enough for me!

my hubbs and i went on a camping trip to santa cruz last month...a much needed escape, for both of us. life has been rather depressing and slow for us...and we just continue to feel beat down. this "trip" was the first time in a very long time we both cleared our minds...literally...i have no other way of describing it. we didn't even take a picture of "us" on the trip until we were on our way home. we relaxed, disconnected from life, and just attempted to recharge ourselves. it was also the first time in the recent past that i can remember my husband responding with "i'm great, actually", to the question of "how are you doing?" ya, that was a wonderful thing to hear.

HOWEVER, we returned home, and it was a hard hit...back to reality. i got really depressed when we returned. we both suddenly were overcome with the overwhelming sense of not going anywhere...of being thrown backwards anytime we seem to start moving forward in life......and on and on it goes...

only about two days after getting back, i took D lunch at work...and started to tell him about how i had been feeling...with life, his career, my status, our baby situation (or lack thereof), and so-forth......and while discussing the ridiculous amount of job applications i had submitted and the ridiculous lack of responses i'd received, i began to tell him about how i wish i had some money saved up to start an Etsy business. i had heard about Etsy last summer from my sister...and love it...for about a year now i've been wishing i could make and sell things in a shop on there. i've talked for a while about wanting a "shop" of some kind, and when i discovered Etsy it just seemed like the most tangible way of achieving that. i put it off until now, knowing that pretty much everything i thought of would take a good chunk of money to start up...but the second i mentioned it, D told me "then do it"...i started to talk about needing money to start..."take $40 go buy fabric, make what you can, and see what happens"...sounds so simple! suddenly i couldn't talk myself out of it anymore, that sounded SO simple and straight forward. even if i was simply breaking even, it'd be something to do and we wouldn't be losing any money...hmm...

i was suddenly excited and motivated about something, i felt a weird sense of purpose again. i went home started to research, and began to feel like this was truly a possibility. i set up all sorts of stuff so that when i was ready, i had all the digital media figured out...the next day D and i went to joann's and bought fabric and some thread...and it started.

i've been praying that this wouldn't totally bomb...and that God would allow this to blossom and grow. being able to say i'm "self-employed", enjoying what i'm doing, and (even if barely) helping supplement our income has really been a pick-me-up. i have been working on this nearly non-stop since, and though life is still plaguing and stressful...and though i'm still self-conscious and paranoid that this will all tank...i feel busy, excited, and like i'm doing something i enjoy...at home!

so...forgive my absence, i've just been starting a business...no biggy!!!