Follow Up...Trying to Sleep Last Night

D was out as of 10pm (on the sofa)...and I kinda moved him upstairs.  But picking up and dropping his own arm on him wasn't phasing him, so I left the light on and thumbed through my Bible for a while.

I sent my mom a, likely pathetic, email last night asking her to pray about the issue and for my emotions...I climbed into bed and decided to read any verses I stumbled upon. Even if it's at random and has NOTHING to do with my issue it typically will calm me down enough to sleep. The first page I openned to was Psalm 69.  David's talking about his sins and wars and enemies...but the first grouping of verses I thought were interesting since I just openned to them.

Psalm 69:1-3a
"Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched."

Interesting...then, after thumbing through a while...I came upon the first chapter of I Samuel, which I actually had a bookmark in. I read the first and the beginning of the second chapter twice, and got different encouragement out of it both times. This is the story of Hannah...a story Christian infertility patients know well...and one that there is even a book all about it, "Hannah's Hope". She was sick with grief over being barren. Her husbands other wife, and her rival, was very fertile and flaunted over her. She tortured her about her infertility.
Verse 6-20
"And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, 'Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?' 
"Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the Lord's temple. In bitterness of the soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, 'O Lord Almighty, if You will only look upon Your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.'
"As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not hear. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, 'How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine.'
"'Not so, my lord,' Hannah replied, 'I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicken woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.'
"Eli answered, 'Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of Him.'
"She said, 'May your servant find favor in your eyes.' Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
"Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the Lord for him.'"

First time through, I did the typical...I thought to myself, because I am also in agony and praying fervently and wrestling with God over a child, I just have to be patient because He will grant that to us also. Well, as we know, that's not really how He works. For His purpose, He granted that to Hannah...but the Bible is not a play book that if we do what they did, then God will do for us what He did for them......no.

So, second time through...I was encouraged. I had just finished typing my last blog entry and had been talking about how I feel alone and I truely do feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because the people around me treat my grief like I am crazy...and here was Hannah. Sick with grief to the point of not eating (and she is not the only infertility patient in the Bible who was so upset they didn't eat)! She was so worked up that her husband thought she was drunk! In my post last night, I also commented on how just hearing other testimonials and reading other peoples stories makes me feel not so alone because there are others feeling the same thing and experiencing the same thing...last night I felt very alone (even D was in la-la-land and I'm pretty sure doesn't even know about last nights breakdown), and here I read about a woman who was so sick she was doing the "bargaining with God", her husband thought she was drunk, she wasn't caring for herself (eating that is) because she was so consumed by the misery of barrenness. And the story was important enough to be included in the Bible. And, her's isn't the only infertility story told in the Bible...Elizabeth, Sarah, Sarai, Hannah, Samson's mother, and I'm sure I'm missing a couple...

Anyway, all that to say God held me, encouraged me...and though I wonder where He's at and what He's doing about this issue- He was with me in my grief, comforted me, and I was able to settle down and sleep (perhaps not peacefully but still).