Where are You, Lord?

My family has been dealing with alot of waiting on the Lord lately.  One of my aunts has been battling cancer for eight years (as long as I've known D!). She had ovarian cancer, and the stage we caught it in was so progressed...I had a high school friend who's mom was in the same stage, discovered a month after my aunts, her tumor was a bit smaller than my aunts, and she passed away a month later. My aunt is a testimony to modern day miracles that the Lord performs, and His healing power. She's never been free, entirely, of it...and it's been getting worse. It's in her lungs and liver now, chemo doesn't seem to be having the effect on her counts that it has in the past...and we are praying for more miracles and more options (as, after eight years, the treatment options have run scarce).

My amazing aunt holds out that she believes she is enduring all of this for a reason. That there is a greater purpose to this major trial that has not played out yet. We all believe this, and there is a multitude of faithful believers in my family, and prayer warriors...and despite the fact that we all keep praying we are all beginning to ask God..."Where are You...do You hear us?  Please answer us soon!" Now, our feelings of this don't change the fact that we know God doesn't leave our side...we also know that He is capable but is not required to do anything...we also know that He always answers our prayers ~ perhaps just not the way we would like Him to.  I firmly believe that regardless of the outcome, my aunt situation will serve a higher purpose and God will use it in an amazing way...we all of course hope and pray that this means He, once again, does something miraculous and ultimately heals her. However, His purpose could be served otherwise, He could answer with a "no" and the whole thing could work out in an amazing way for the good anyhow.  Our thoughts are not His thoughts, our ways are not His ways...and we cannot see what He has in store...it's in His hands, we just pray fervently, but ultimately His will be done.


Weird...I was talking about that all with my mom this afternoon. She has been praying so faithfully for miracles, for healing. And she is waiting on Him to move. And she is beginning to ask "Lord...where are You...?" This evening, I found out some wonderful news for a friend of mine. She told me a couple weeks ago that she was pregnant. Well, today she found out it's twins......  D had the same thought I did- one wasn't enough?  Heh, as horrible as I feel for thinking that, because I am overjoyed and it's an amazing thought to me for her and her husband...it was, sadly, more or less aimed at God. Yes, I have that kind of relationship with Him. He's my Father. He knows me better than I know myself. He made me, temper and hormones and all...and He knows His plans for me...but I don't...and I'm tired, and sad, and frustrated, and I'm wondering if He's listening (even though I know He's right here holding me as I cry...and throwing my little tantrum). And though OBVIOUSLY I am not dying (or at least, not that I know of physically), and I am not going through the type of pain my aunt is. But, a friend said something comforting to me this week...as I progress on my journey of realizing and not denying the situation I am in..."pain is pain"...it's ok for me to feel pained by this- thank you Charlene...you don't know what that means, especially coming from you! :)  I still feel so alone in it. That I am the lone voice crying to God and pleading to Him...petitioning for a baby. I'm wondering why it is that my mom seems to think I make all of this up...that these feelings are over dramatized in some way. I wonder if she prays for a baby for us, if she's hurting for me...the way she hurts for others around her. I know her and her sister and her mother were all of the "fertile mertile" variety...but I long so badly to help infertility awareness in my family. But somehow everytime I attempt to discuss it, the issue seems to be thrown into a "Megs is a hypochondriac" category...or something...Really? I am not making this up!

Well, I started out asking God why?
"Why me?"
"Why do I have to deal with this?"
"Why can't this end?" 
And through up and downs and periods where I am handling the whole thing well, I have come to the point of...
"Lord, are You there?"
"Are You listening?"
"Are You going to answer me?"

I have no idea, not even the faintest, of how people without Christ get through this mess...because with Him I feel lost. I am clinging to Him every moment of every day...not just to get D and I through the trials we seem to continue to trudge along through...but through each moment that passes thinking that it's another moment lost...  I feel like I fall farther and farther behind- more than four years of marriage (as of August)...four years of no birth control (as of October)...and we've been trying ever since our miscarriage in April 2007 (yes, it really was a miscarriage, I had two positive pregnancy tests and the nurse when I started bleeding confirmed that I had miscarried...I didn't make it up)...we sought help in February 2009, since we finally had health care, and as we felt we were getting somewhere-lost the health care. 

What now Lord?  How long?  How long until I have a happy announcement that You have blessed us with a life growing inside me? ('cause yes, that's where I stand on that issue as well)  How long until my baby bump is happily in my way?  How long until I endure the aches and pains knowing my baby is growing and getting ready to enter this world?  How long until I get to be the new mommy in the maternity ward?  How long until I can make D the tired daddy passed out with a newborn on his chest?

I know, I know...this is SO depressing.  But, let me remind you...this is my "journal" through my infertility journey. I am sharing RAW feelings of what I am going through: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I am sharing it on here because one huge thing that helped me through last year as I tried to open up about it was reading other peoples stories, books with testimonials, other patients REAL feelings, and being able to admit my own feelings...and I realized I'm not alone, I'm not crazy (though everyone around me may think so). There are other women out there enduring the same wretched thing...so, here I am...another voice...another infertility blog...another wanna-be-mommy...just trying to help those who are on this journey also, and spread awareness to those who aren't, and be able to vent and rant and rave about what I am experiencing...before I burst a blood vessel!