Thanksgiving

Well, I've graduated into the next tier of the infertility journey...holidays and family events. OYE!

This year, for Thanksgiving we were with my mom's side...large family, warm and loud environment. It's definitely a postcard picture of what holidays with family looks like.  Well, shortly after D and I get there...we were sitting visiting with my cousins and my grandma. My cousin and I are one year apart, and were pretty close growing up, we graduated (same grade) from the same high school, and he celebrated his one year anniversary with his wife this year. My grandma (knowing a little of my situation and a little of my cousin and his wife's position about not being ready to have babies just yet), turned to him and started asking him questions about when and so on. This spurs a self-defense mechanism and he turns and says "Me? What about her?" and points to me........you know, no matter how many quick comebacks I come up with and how many times I convince myself "the next time someone does ___ I will have something to say about it", I always end up sitting there stunned..........well, I just sat there and stared at him, then I looked at my grandma (rather pitifully) and she hugged me, turned to him and said "She's working on it, she can't help it."

OF COURSE, my cousin is the sweetest guy alive and would never dream of being rude or insensitive about anything...and his face when grandma said that told it all, he knew he went somewhere he shouldn't have...but really? Why do people ASSUME? Why not ask first? I have always put this barrier up at family parties preparing myself for things like that...and the most I've ever gotten is a couple questions about when we were planning to start, but here we are...it has begun.  We are no longer the only ones of our generation married. Including our extended family two couples were married last summer and one more is getting married this coming spring. The race is on...to make our mothers grandmothers, our grandmothers great-grandmothers. And the fact that one of the couples (which obviously is NOT my cousin and his wife) is half way through their pregnancy has woken everyone up and caused the pressure and third degree to be on the rest of us.

So, oh well, he didn't mean it...he didn't know what he was saying...AND, surprisingly, grandma came to my defense when I was speechless.

Well, my cousin and his wife live a few hours away and they were staying through the weekend, so we planned to have dinner with them two days later before they headed out of town (first couples thing we'd ever done with them). Well, we were all ready and at first couldn't figure out what the plans were, then they changed slightly (to dessert instead of dinner), then when we met up with them it because an us, my brother, and all my cousins outting...when we got back to play games, his wife was preoccupied with something and wouldn't come near us. Fine, whatever, I can sympathize with moodiness or melancholy. Well, D went out to the kitchen to get something to drink and my aunt and cousins wife were having a tift about "babies" and whatever they were saying they dragged me into it and hushed up as soon as D walked in the room.  Really? How old are we again?

Let me make this quite clear: IF YOU DON'T KNOW OUR SITUATION OR DON'T UNDERSTAND IT..........ASK!!!!  I'm just at my wits end over this...I don't know what to do...I'm so tired of the situation itself, and I try to be very understanding of everyone else when I start having a emotional attack over it (whether that mean changing the subject or leaving the room or simply being non-chalant over peoples comments...the last thing I want to do is make other people uncomfortable or feel like they're walking on egg shells)...but, is it too selfish to ask people to talk to me about it? or to have a little shred of sensitivity about the issue, that they just may not know the whole situation? We have not waited four years to have a baby because we don't want to or it's too soon...we had a miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago and have had no luck since...

the latest in...pregnancies...

ugh...and I have been doing SO good lately. staying positive, keeping busy and distracted, not dwelling on the infertility issue (or the fact that we currently don't have the means of even attempting to fix it, therefore prolonging the process). but, finally, I broke down this evening...

the topic is ALWAYS on the forefront of my mind...never leaves...I never stop thinking about the baby we don't have, and currently "can't" have...but, I have done well in controlling the emotions. tonight, however, I started to feel like my "controlling" it well has actually only been numbness and ignoring the issue as much as possible.

Saturday, all the ladies in the family did a day trip to the hills where there are orchards and in the fall you can stop at each one, walk through craft vendors...eat anything and everything made of/with apples!!!  We do a ladies lunch once a month, all extended family ladies: my grandma, her siblings --> all their kids --> all their kids! It's really fun...a huge group of three generations, wonderful ladies. Well, my cousin...once removed or second cousin, I've never really understood which...just announced she's pregnant with her first. They moved out of state after they got married (a year ago September) and just moved home, and shortly after are pregnant with their first. I am so happy for her, especially because they had a few issues starting out with pregnancy. But, seeing the bump...and it's a family member...of my generation...was really hard for me to absorb. But, at this point, like I said...felt more numb...I had to breathe slowly occassionally and swallow frequently...but I did really well!

Well, today one of my close friends sent me a hesitant message to let me know they are pregnant. It was one of the most sincere and sensitive responses to our issue I've received...and I was SO appreciative for that (who knows how emotional I would have been if it hadn't been). And, I am so happy for her also...her husband is military and they have also been out of state since getting married (over four years ago), and with deployments and training it wasn't very practical to start...and they haven't tried until he got back from his last deployment 3-4 months ago. She was beginning to think she had PCOS that would cause her to have major issues conceiving also...and I wish it on NO ONE, so I am very excited for her.

I was still doing good at this point, still the numbness I think...then D walked upstairs and started reading the message over my shoulder, and what I was typing back to her. Without saying anything he just leaned over an hugged me, tight. And I lost it! Thank you honey for that! No, seriously...the flood gates openned...so the numbness was just holding back more energy and it was going to burst at some point...

I'm just tired that's all...I know I'm not at the point of ignoring the issue and proceeding with the "if it happens it happens attitude" because I've tried and can't...flat out, can't describe it...but it never leaves my thoughts, it is ever present. But, I am exhausted from the "being strong" for so long and then finally letting it out...but when I wear it on my sleeve constantly I just feel jaded, and I don't like that either......I'm tired of feeling like the option is just out of my reach, I could potentially be on an Rx that could make it "anytime now" (according to my old Dr.)- but due to our current position, we left my Dr in SoCal and I can't get an Rx from him, can't afford the Rx or a new Dr cause we don't have coverage right now...

I can talk myself in circles for days about this whole thing...and I'm just tired...

First Birthday Party Experience...and then some...

Well, my friend who was my first close friend to be pregnant (in the way that I was around her the whole way through her pregnancy and after) just threw her little girl her 1st birthday party. So, first one of those I've been to...

Children's birthday parties is up there on the list of events infertility patients don't like to go to, or it is just a trial to endure. Christmas (when you see family that may not know your situation or all the other kids are experiencing Christmas), baby showers (for obvious reasons), births (for obvious reasons), mother's/father's day (the days everyone at church boasts about how blessed you are because God chose you to raise a child, and you're left out of that wishing you weren't), and birthday parties...

This was a doosy! If you know our situation...D was highway patrol, and that ended quickly and semi-painfully. Aside from family everyone at the party was couples. The husbands were all CHP, the wives were all pregnant, had two kids, etc...  Talk about a nightmare. We really didn't know anyone terribly well, D is a superfriendly person and was able to relate to some of what the guys were talking about...but the second he said he was with the CHP anymore they shut him off (one person literally stopped talking to him altogether and walked away!)...really? and these are you're church friends??? wow, we feel so welcome and love and feel Christ-like attitudes being poured out! I had nothing to talk to anyone but my friends sister about (and that was mostly talking about everyone else), because I tried to stand with a group of the ladies and "She just had him, he's x-lbs x-oz"..."oh, she's doing ok, she's on bedrest right now"..."oh we just found out we are pregnant!"..."ya, only a few more weeks..."..."we start so-and-so in school soon".....wow, ok, had enough of that.  I've read stories and heard about how horrible that can be...but it felt as though we didn't have anywhere to turn from getting hit with something...

Needless to say, the long drive home (and through traffic no less) was long, and sad, and depressing, and we were exhausted from pasting our smiles on...

first time for this depressing thought...

well, i have been rather successful at finding every thought in the depths of my mind to depress myself with, regarding babies, pregnancy, and the lack-there-of...but i had a new one last night...first time ever for this one!

my brother-in-law, who i am quite close with and see as my own brother, is getting married next summer...it's just incredible. it makes D and i feel REALLY old......his fiance (who i have gotten pretty close to also) is asking me questions about our wedding and asking for suggestions on stuff, which i am THOROUGHLY enjoying!!!

last night in contemplating ideas for her...i didn't even rabbit trail into this, it just popped straight up: if our baby had survived pregnancy and delivery, not only would we have a 2 1/2 year old right now (which we've discussed a few times) but they'd be the only neice/nephew in the family and would possibly have been in the wedding because they'd be 3 1/2 by then......weird.......weird to think about, and weird how that image popped into my mind while i was thinking about her color choices...

well, luckily, my mind changed lanes because i forced it to...and i didn't have any major break down...and we have discussed how old our little one would have been quite a few times in the past, which helps with the processing of the greif...but ya...weird that enough time has passed to have that apply...