first time for this depressing thought...

well, i have been rather successful at finding every thought in the depths of my mind to depress myself with, regarding babies, pregnancy, and the lack-there-of...but i had a new one last night...first time ever for this one!

my brother-in-law, who i am quite close with and see as my own brother, is getting married next summer...it's just incredible. it makes D and i feel REALLY old......his fiance (who i have gotten pretty close to also) is asking me questions about our wedding and asking for suggestions on stuff, which i am THOROUGHLY enjoying!!!

last night in contemplating ideas for her...i didn't even rabbit trail into this, it just popped straight up: if our baby had survived pregnancy and delivery, not only would we have a 2 1/2 year old right now (which we've discussed a few times) but they'd be the only neice/nephew in the family and would possibly have been in the wedding because they'd be 3 1/2 by then......weird.......weird to think about, and weird how that image popped into my mind while i was thinking about her color choices...

well, luckily, my mind changed lanes because i forced it to...and i didn't have any major break down...and we have discussed how old our little one would have been quite a few times in the past, which helps with the processing of the greif...but ya...weird that enough time has passed to have that apply...

a not so short introduction

...my heart is aching.......does anyone else ever feel like this? it feels as though i've hit a wall...as though the world has stopped...my heart physically aches, my body physically aches...i know that i am a bit on the dramatic side, and quite emotional at times...but i can't describe the pain

i know, and pep talk myself frequently, about how my hubbs and i are on our own timing with God and His will, regardless of what path He has the others around us on...i know we are in His hands and He will provide for us...however, none of that changes the longing and the aching.

i truly can't describe it, and when i do it sounds like the devils work...heh...but there is something inside missing, some longing unfullfilled...

well, my husband and i have been trying to conceive for three-and-a-half years now. we were not constantly "trying" but we've been off of birth control since october 2006 (which to anyone who knows how all of this work, that is considered "trying"). infertility is the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term while having unprotected sex for over a year...so, yes, i'd say we qualify for that. in april of 2007, we had a very early term miscarriage...but it was a loss none-the-less. we continued to try (more seriously) for the next year and a half.

in january 2009 we received amazing health benefits and decided it was time to "try" with help. i found a fantastic doctor- who, by the grace of God, did not decide to monitor me for the next 12 months (as many do) but decided that 2 years was enough and started testing for all the basic stuff right away. sonograms, pelvic exams, an HSG, and blood work down...tubes open and clear, no endo to speak of, and thyroid all fine. i do have cysts on my ovaries and high prolactin hormone levels. so i had an mri, (i had a pituitary tumor when i was young which is what formerly caused that), no tumor just elevated levels.

so, here we were, feeling OK about the situation...he prescribed me two medications: one to balance the hormone levels (which could prevent pregnancy) and the other to experiment (he believed me to have PCOS, and this medication was known to help the eggs drop and not become cysts). well, within two months i caught swine flu and went off my meds because i was on so many others for pneumonia...then i went back on them after a month. then two months later, Mr. D lost his job and we had no more insurance (therefore, no more prescription refills).

so...here i am...stuck......it's so hard because i feel like i have a potential solution, and instead of trying it out and if it does not work, quickly moving on to the next, i'm just sitting on it. precious time is passing as i just wait, and know that unless by miracle (which i believe Him capable of) there is no way for me to get pregnant during this "waiting" period.

i was reflecting today, attempting to think of why that october seems so painfully long ago. i realized that i went through a phase of everyone who had weddings around the time we got married was pregnant, save a handful. and i thought to myself, "that's ok, so-and-so has not rushed things there are still some that haven't started, the others are just getting right into family mode". within a couple months all of those individuals were expecting as well. it was rough...then the storm was calm for a while. the battle at this point was in my own head. well, within the last four months there are a few first time pregnancies that we know of that were just announced...and everyone else is now on their SECOND or THIRD!

wow, so i was "agonizing" when all of these had just conceived their first, through the time of pregnancy, infancy, and now most of those precious little ones are nearly a year and about to have a sibling......well, that does make it sound like a long time.

today i decided to start this blog to journal and vent, and maybe someday some other patient will read my experience and either feel encouraged or maybe just a little less alone. i started blogging about life in general a couple years ago, and have been setting up a new blog this week (after having transfered my old entries over). but today i had an infertility meltdown and decided that i need an outlet for my feelings, even if no one ever reads this. i am going to put a "my story" page on here, as well as a couple pages of things i have come across and have found helpful in my journey. and the "blog" itself will be my daily ramblings...

letter to the family...my first attempt at openness, before i knew anything...

Hello Family and Friends~

If we are sending you this letter, it is because we know that you have been close family and friends to us and have been so faithful to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We treasure, and greatly appreciate, how supportive each of you have been to us -- with our first few years of marriage and especially within the last year with the roller coaster of changes that God has been bringing us through!

Recently, God has been breaking my pride to an issue that we've been wrestling with for almost three years now. Drew and I have been discussing starting our own little family for quite a while now, but thus far it has been a mental, emotional, and medical struggle. As some of you know, we had a VERY early term miscarriage a couple years ago, which actually has turned into an encouragement that we at least know we CAN get pregnant. We decided six months ago, to begin research to find a good doctor and pursuing professional help with our attempts -- which, praise the Lord, wasn't too challenging and so far we are very happy with him! After discussing my medical and birth control history with him, he started us on a list of tests, which we also praise God for -- typically they will tell you to monitor your attempts once seeking a doctors help for at least 12 months before beginning tests. We have no clear diagnosis as to the reason for the "infertility", thus far, but we have had xrays, blood work, etc... that have come back fine. However, I had one level come back signifying that the issue I had in high school (some of you know what that was) is an issue again. The doctor said we need an MRI and then I should be able to have medication to balance things and we should then have no problem getting pregnant. We are hoping and praying (however skeptical) that it is as simple as it sounds. As weird as it is to say "infertility", that is what it is. It doesn't have to be a permanent condition, but according to the definition...having trouble for at least a year...we qualify!

Over the course of the last two years, God has been truly growing a desire for a baby, in both of us. The more time passes, the more that desire, which God instilled in my heart, grows. God has been breaking down the walls I've put up regarding this sensitive issue; we've kept it very private between the two of us. But I've felt very convicted about being humble and vulnerable, and asking for prayer.

We are now trying to be open with family and friends, as well as eachother and our parents, which is remarkably difficult to do. It's an awkward topic, things are said that make one side or the other uncomfortable, or the encouragement is not taken correctly (as either non-helpful automated responses or a pain minimizing joke). I am reading a book called "When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden" (a very depressing title!), but the chapter I just finished is called "When Everyone Says the Wrong Thing". All the chapters start with a verse and this one starts with Proverbs 25:20 (which I had to read a few times before I really understood it) "Like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar on soda, is he who sings songs to a troubled heart." The chapter discusses (or actually lists) the many responses that seem to come from everyone in regards to this topic. I was surprised to find that I've heard quite a few of them from the few people we have discussed this issue with. "At least ...", "Maybe God...", "You have time", "You haven't been trying long enough", "You want kids? Borrow mine!", "It'll happen soon", (regarding miscarriage) "It's for the best", "There was probably a problem with the pregnancy"...and on and on. They all have a caption after them stating how the patient is feeling or what they think in response to these, most have to do with feeling that they are doing something incorrectly or not having enough faith: therefore it's their fault they haven't had a baby, or that people are trying to make the topic less awkward and minimizing the pain that they feel. ....DON'T GET ME WRONG!!!...we don't necessarily get offended by any of these responses, we actually keep telling them to ourselves and we do reassure ourselves constantly, trying to 'make sense' of this waiting game. We KNOW and truly believe that God has a divine plan for us and our "family-to-be", He always has and always will provide for us, and it is always in His perfect timing. It is, however, still a mental and emotional battle for us, regardless of what we "know". Hannah, in the book of I Samuel, is an excellent example of this. Talk about an emotional struggle. A DEEP and consistent desire for children, and her "rival" seems to be "fertile mertile". Hannah doesn't eat, sleep and weeps constantly -- God never gets angry over these emotions, nor did He say it was sinful for her to have them. I have been researching this alot when I get bored with my books, and I have found SO many GREAT women of the Bible that God used in their infertility, and then blessed them with children: Sarah -> Isaac, Rebekah -> Jacob and Esau, Rachel -> Joseph and Benjamin, Hannah -> Samuel, Elizabeth -> John the Baptist, Abram's wife Sarai was also "barren", as was Samson's mother......SO, after reading most of that chapter in my book, even I was thinking, What do people say in that situation if everythng is taken the wrong way?.......simply.......nothing......"We simply want them to be there...Silence, a touch, and simple assurances go a long way toward healing: 'I'm sorry', 'How can I help you?', 'I feel sad for you', 'How are you doing?', 'It's ok to cry'." (pg 81). Most of these sound very somber, and I don't think we are quite that broken feeling yet, but it makes sense and we can relate. It is a sensitive subject, but it's hard to understand how much so unless you've experienced it. So, in setting down my pride and fear of being asked questions that may make me emotional, we are requesting prayer and sensitivity to the issue, that we've kept close and private all this time.

We have worked on communicating with eachother, God, and our parents. Now that we are realizing that is potentially recurring issue with the tumor I had in high school -- which I thought was well behind me, we would like to request prayers for strength and patience as we continue to wait and hope. I feel guilty, in a way to be continually requesting prayer from all of you, however God has showed me that I'm bottling it up inside, and that that is what we as the body of Christ are here for...to lift eachother up in prayer. Drew and I feel so blessed with such a strong family of prayer warriors surrounding us. We know that regardless of what lies in our path or what God has for us as the outcome -- the course will be His will, in His timing. Though we are comforted by this understanding -- we are seeking His guidance and comfort for the journey we've been on and for the strong desire of our hearts.

We love you all and pray for you ALL continually. Thank you for all of your continuing love and support. (And thank you for enduring through another of my lengthy, wordy letters).

Drew and Megan


Phillipians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Isaiah 30:18 "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!"

2 Corinthians 4:16 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

Psalm 84:10a "Better is one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere..."


...I'll stop there...I could go on and on... :D