Here We Go...

Well, I don't have a great memory...so excuse me if I am repeating myself.  But, I was really hoping my new Dr was going to put me on the perscriptions I was on previously so we could see if those were going to work for me. Then, after trying that we could figure out where to go from there...   Well, not so...he felt that after the amount of time we've spent without being successful, it was really beyond him, and to get things done quickly, it's time for a specialist to step in. I have really bazaar mixed feelings about this...on one hand: GREAT! I have felt this way for a long time, I can't believe we've endured 4 years of trying without a specialist being involved...one the other hand: YIKES! it just became that much more real, that much more sobering, and that much more serious as far as insurance and medical expenses are concerned.  I've been ready to take serious action for a long time now, but I just thought we'd have a little more time to prepare for the toll a "fertility clinic" takes on the emotions and the checking account...

Well, I put it off long enough...a month after getting the phone call from the Northern California Fertility Medical Center...and after having hit 100 days since my last cycle...it was time. Everything that has been going on the last week and a half has really refreshed the wounds and made it clear that I am not prepared to wait any longer...  SO! July 13th...we have our first appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, to discuss history, treatment options, etc...

Prayers are greatly appreciated...

Thanksgiving

Well, I've graduated into the next tier of the infertility journey...holidays and family events. OYE!

This year, for Thanksgiving we were with my mom's side...large family, warm and loud environment. It's definitely a postcard picture of what holidays with family looks like.  Well, shortly after D and I get there...we were sitting visiting with my cousins and my grandma. My cousin and I are one year apart, and were pretty close growing up, we graduated (same grade) from the same high school, and he celebrated his one year anniversary with his wife this year. My grandma (knowing a little of my situation and a little of my cousin and his wife's position about not being ready to have babies just yet), turned to him and started asking him questions about when and so on. This spurs a self-defense mechanism and he turns and says "Me? What about her?" and points to me........you know, no matter how many quick comebacks I come up with and how many times I convince myself "the next time someone does ___ I will have something to say about it", I always end up sitting there stunned..........well, I just sat there and stared at him, then I looked at my grandma (rather pitifully) and she hugged me, turned to him and said "She's working on it, she can't help it."

OF COURSE, my cousin is the sweetest guy alive and would never dream of being rude or insensitive about anything...and his face when grandma said that told it all, he knew he went somewhere he shouldn't have...but really? Why do people ASSUME? Why not ask first? I have always put this barrier up at family parties preparing myself for things like that...and the most I've ever gotten is a couple questions about when we were planning to start, but here we are...it has begun.  We are no longer the only ones of our generation married. Including our extended family two couples were married last summer and one more is getting married this coming spring. The race is on...to make our mothers grandmothers, our grandmothers great-grandmothers. And the fact that one of the couples (which obviously is NOT my cousin and his wife) is half way through their pregnancy has woken everyone up and caused the pressure and third degree to be on the rest of us.

So, oh well, he didn't mean it...he didn't know what he was saying...AND, surprisingly, grandma came to my defense when I was speechless.

Well, my cousin and his wife live a few hours away and they were staying through the weekend, so we planned to have dinner with them two days later before they headed out of town (first couples thing we'd ever done with them). Well, we were all ready and at first couldn't figure out what the plans were, then they changed slightly (to dessert instead of dinner), then when we met up with them it because an us, my brother, and all my cousins outting...when we got back to play games, his wife was preoccupied with something and wouldn't come near us. Fine, whatever, I can sympathize with moodiness or melancholy. Well, D went out to the kitchen to get something to drink and my aunt and cousins wife were having a tift about "babies" and whatever they were saying they dragged me into it and hushed up as soon as D walked in the room.  Really? How old are we again?

Let me make this quite clear: IF YOU DON'T KNOW OUR SITUATION OR DON'T UNDERSTAND IT..........ASK!!!!  I'm just at my wits end over this...I don't know what to do...I'm so tired of the situation itself, and I try to be very understanding of everyone else when I start having a emotional attack over it (whether that mean changing the subject or leaving the room or simply being non-chalant over peoples comments...the last thing I want to do is make other people uncomfortable or feel like they're walking on egg shells)...but, is it too selfish to ask people to talk to me about it? or to have a little shred of sensitivity about the issue, that they just may not know the whole situation? We have not waited four years to have a baby because we don't want to or it's too soon...we had a miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago and have had no luck since...

First Time in a Maternity Ward...

Well, Monday we got a call from our friends to see if we wanted to meet for dinner...and we hadn't hung out with them in so long we jumped at the opportunity!

D got off work, we threw ourselves together, and raced down the hill. We sat in Chevy's for happy hour...watched the last game of the World Series...(our Giants won!)...we visited for a long time, it was wonderful! They had left their little girl home because S was having contractions early that morning and they'd come up to the hospital and the little guy wasn't ready to come out yet. After visiting so long (and we live closer to the hospital than they do), we decided to all head up to our house. We visited for a while, caught up. D made waffles because he decided they had to try some of the jam I'd made, so that was our dessert. After that we sat and visited some more, but S was starting to get strong contractions again. They decided to stay the night just in case.

About an hour after going to bed, they were strong and frequent, and they decided to head off to the hospital. By the next evening, finally, he decided a week late was long enough and came out (pretty effortlessly too). Went went down late last night to bring them food and say hi.

It was my first time in a maternity ward...sort of surreal. All the families huddled in the doorways of recovery rooms. Balloons. Faint baby cries. We went into her delivery room, and he was laying on the table and the nurses where getting all his info entered and sorted out, taking his little footprints and everything. It was weird...I felt so excited yet out of place in a weird way. We helped them take everything to their room on the next floor, and I got to hold him while N and S ate their In-N-Out and just relaxed for a bit. Precious! Before that their daughter was the youngest baby I had held...D had held her in the hospital but I was sick and didn't see her until she was about five weeks old. This little guy was three hours old. He kept sucking on his tounge, and he didn't have the newborn screech, it was a softer cry...and as S said he responds to the same things his sister did when she was crying. (Which made calming him much less daunting)...

At first, the feelings were of wonder and adoration...he's REALLY cute! Then, the more I glanced up at D and the more he made little faces at me, it made me wish that it was our turn. My turn to be recovering, for us to stare proudly as our family held and adored our little one. It was hard...it got harder as we drove home...and then climbed into bed. I layed there in amazement at God and how the whole process works. I was thinking about how approximately 24 hours ago I was laying down to go to bed just like I am now, but my pregnant friend was in the room down the hall...and now her and her husband are sitting in the hospital with new baby #2, a boy...awaiting the next day when family would come and they'd get to bring him home.  It's amazing...and it was hard...and everything I thought of made me want to wonder and smile yet at the same time caused pain and made me want to cry...

First Birthday Party Experience...and then some...

Well, my friend who was my first close friend to be pregnant (in the way that I was around her the whole way through her pregnancy and after) just threw her little girl her 1st birthday party. So, first one of those I've been to...

Children's birthday parties is up there on the list of events infertility patients don't like to go to, or it is just a trial to endure. Christmas (when you see family that may not know your situation or all the other kids are experiencing Christmas), baby showers (for obvious reasons), births (for obvious reasons), mother's/father's day (the days everyone at church boasts about how blessed you are because God chose you to raise a child, and you're left out of that wishing you weren't), and birthday parties...

This was a doosy! If you know our situation...D was highway patrol, and that ended quickly and semi-painfully. Aside from family everyone at the party was couples. The husbands were all CHP, the wives were all pregnant, had two kids, etc...  Talk about a nightmare. We really didn't know anyone terribly well, D is a superfriendly person and was able to relate to some of what the guys were talking about...but the second he said he was with the CHP anymore they shut him off (one person literally stopped talking to him altogether and walked away!)...really? and these are you're church friends??? wow, we feel so welcome and love and feel Christ-like attitudes being poured out! I had nothing to talk to anyone but my friends sister about (and that was mostly talking about everyone else), because I tried to stand with a group of the ladies and "She just had him, he's x-lbs x-oz"..."oh, she's doing ok, she's on bedrest right now"..."oh we just found out we are pregnant!"..."ya, only a few more weeks..."..."we start so-and-so in school soon".....wow, ok, had enough of that.  I've read stories and heard about how horrible that can be...but it felt as though we didn't have anywhere to turn from getting hit with something...

Needless to say, the long drive home (and through traffic no less) was long, and sad, and depressing, and we were exhausted from pasting our smiles on...

first time for this depressing thought...

well, i have been rather successful at finding every thought in the depths of my mind to depress myself with, regarding babies, pregnancy, and the lack-there-of...but i had a new one last night...first time ever for this one!

my brother-in-law, who i am quite close with and see as my own brother, is getting married next summer...it's just incredible. it makes D and i feel REALLY old......his fiance (who i have gotten pretty close to also) is asking me questions about our wedding and asking for suggestions on stuff, which i am THOROUGHLY enjoying!!!

last night in contemplating ideas for her...i didn't even rabbit trail into this, it just popped straight up: if our baby had survived pregnancy and delivery, not only would we have a 2 1/2 year old right now (which we've discussed a few times) but they'd be the only neice/nephew in the family and would possibly have been in the wedding because they'd be 3 1/2 by then......weird.......weird to think about, and weird how that image popped into my mind while i was thinking about her color choices...

well, luckily, my mind changed lanes because i forced it to...and i didn't have any major break down...and we have discussed how old our little one would have been quite a few times in the past, which helps with the processing of the greif...but ya...weird that enough time has passed to have that apply...