Three years ago, D and I were at our church for Mother's Day. Didn't think too much of it. I have always mentally focused solely on my mom on that day and growing up I never thought about being a part of it...and prior to that Sunday, the idea of it never really effected me. Well, three years ago that dreaded day for the infertile couples in the world hit me so hard. All the mother's get a flower when they enter the church...making it quite obvious who the mother's are and how many of them there are. The sermon always is on mother's and parenting and children. But this particular message, "Mother's Matter" (a pun since the series we were in was called Money Matters), maybe it was just the wording of it...but it caused me to see Mother's Day in a brighter light, and motherhood slightly differently as well. My pastor had all of the mother's stand up...and then began to describe how important they are. That they have been chosen and blessed with the responsibility of raising the future generations (I looked for a link to the sermon but couldn't find one that worked). A couple rows in front of me was the cutest, little woman who was VERY pregnant, and beaming...I looked around and the people sitting were either children or men....I felt like the only married female NOT standing. And, I suddenly felt so alone...so depressed...I started pleading with God, why? why not me? ...ok, ok...now someone is going to get offend and say "God has a plan", and that I shouldn't talk to him that way. Really? Well, my God...He's big enough to handle that. He made me with my personality, He instilled this longing inside of me, He knows how much I'm aching, and He is my Creator so He knows I don't do well when I don't know the outcome... Anyway, that alone depressed feeling initiated the emotions...after that each description of motherhood and parenting hit me harder and harder, the wounds got deeper and deeper......ever since, that one Sunday has stood out SO clearly in my mind, everytime I start struggling with the journey I remember that and I begin to think I will never be that...I will never get the opportunity to bear a child, to parent, to be honored for my struggles of raising children in our society, to feel the relationship with my child and the pride that comes with watching to see the adult they become.
I just yesterday went to lunch with ladies from my family...we do that once a month. My great-aunt (my grandma's sister) was sitting there holding her 6 week old great-grandson...and someone made a comment about my cousin (who just recently married a woman with a child already), my mom said "your granddaughter *****, OH! wait, your...great-granddaughter"...and it sunk in, I was the first of our generation to get married (now there's five of us married) and after almost five years, I still haven't made my mom a grandma...and my grandma (despite her longing for it) is still not a great-grandmother...
My mother-in-law referred me to two podcasts from Focus on the Family. To my surprise, they really hit the nail on the head. They even admitted that they are so often geared towards family and raising children, and infertility doesn't really ever come up, but it is a huge issue. So, thank you Focus on the Family for stepping out of your box for a couple days. If you feel so inclined, you have the time, and would like to truely understand how I and others feel (though I so often can't express myself), listen to the links below...part one and two. They were the podcasts for May 9th and 10th...and I felt like their two guests (both infertility patients) were speaking FOR me. It was incredible. One of the guests is Marlo Schalesky...she's the author of Empty Womb, Aching Heart
, one of the books I've been reading, and a huge advocate for infertility awareness. The funny thing is the description of how one of them felt at church on Mother's Day was so clearly my experience...Please listen (despite the cheesy intro and conclusions that are so typical of "Christian radio"), and spread the awareness...PART ONE
http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2011/2_april_may_june/ffd_20110509.mp3
PART TWO
http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2011/2_april_may_june/ffd_20110510.mp3
