Fertility Clinic Appt- July 13th...

...wow...when will this appointment ever get here...

to have an appointment scheduled out almost 2 months is painful!  we received the new patient paperwork for the fertility clinic extremely quickly, i filled almost all of it out the night we received it...then i received a call reminding me to fill out a health questionaire on their patient portal online prior to the appointment so i did that a few day ago.......and we still have 5 days to go!!!

filling out the paperwork, and sorting through my health history records so that i could make an accurate timeline was depressing the last few days.  as D said, "why? we are taking care of the issue..."...yes, however, sitting and sorting through mountains of paperwork that describe what i've said to my doctors, what tests i've had done, how much is wrong with me, and to think of how long it's been and we have no resolution yet can just get a little daunting...

i have this deep dread that we are going to open this can of worms by doing this, and that nothing is going to come of it.  i trust God, He has always provided for us...but this is something i basically have lost all hope for. it feels like an epic battle with will never conclude, that i may continue to seek resolution...but a baby will never come.

.........depressing, right?..........

anyway, prayers are appreciated.  i'm nervous to start with a new doctor also, but everything i have heard about NCFMC thus far has been good...so we shall see...five more days, and we start a very different phase of this journey!

Here We Go...

Well, I don't have a great memory...so excuse me if I am repeating myself.  But, I was really hoping my new Dr was going to put me on the perscriptions I was on previously so we could see if those were going to work for me. Then, after trying that we could figure out where to go from there...   Well, not so...he felt that after the amount of time we've spent without being successful, it was really beyond him, and to get things done quickly, it's time for a specialist to step in. I have really bazaar mixed feelings about this...on one hand: GREAT! I have felt this way for a long time, I can't believe we've endured 4 years of trying without a specialist being involved...one the other hand: YIKES! it just became that much more real, that much more sobering, and that much more serious as far as insurance and medical expenses are concerned.  I've been ready to take serious action for a long time now, but I just thought we'd have a little more time to prepare for the toll a "fertility clinic" takes on the emotions and the checking account...

Well, I put it off long enough...a month after getting the phone call from the Northern California Fertility Medical Center...and after having hit 100 days since my last cycle...it was time. Everything that has been going on the last week and a half has really refreshed the wounds and made it clear that I am not prepared to wait any longer...  SO! July 13th...we have our first appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, to discuss history, treatment options, etc...

Prayers are greatly appreciated...

Mother's Day...great way to finish off #NIAW

Mother's Day...I really can't explain it.  I have a full on war raging within me...I am not as bitter of a person as I may seem on here, this is just my outlet.  In my head I get angry, depressed, concerned and paranoid about my potential emotional stability when entering circumstances...then, I'll get mad at myself for feeling that way, I'll start thinking I'm being irrational, too sensitive, and need to suck it up.

Three years ago, D and I were at our church for Mother's Day.  Didn't think too much of it.  I have always mentally focused solely on my mom on that day and growing up I never thought about being a part of it...and prior to that Sunday, the idea of it never really effected me.  Well, three years ago that dreaded day for the infertile couples in the world hit me so hard.  All the mother's get a flower when they enter the church...making it quite obvious who the mother's are and how many of them there are.  The sermon always is on mother's and parenting and children.  But this particular message, "Mother's Matter" (a pun since the series we were in was called Money Matters), maybe it was just the wording of it...but it caused me to see Mother's Day in a brighter light, and motherhood slightly differently as well.  My pastor had all of the mother's stand up...and then began to describe how important they are.  That they have been chosen and blessed with the responsibility of raising the future generations (I looked for a link to the sermon but couldn't find one that worked).  A couple rows in front of me was the cutest, little woman who was VERY pregnant, and beaming...I looked around and the people sitting were either children or men....I felt like the only married female NOT standing.  And, I suddenly felt so alone...so depressed...I started pleading with God, why? why not me?  ...ok, ok...now someone is going to get offend and say "God has a plan", and that I shouldn't talk to him that way.  Really? Well, my God...He's big enough to handle that.  He made me with my personality, He instilled this longing inside of me, He knows how much I'm aching, and He is my Creator so He knows I don't do well when I don't know the outcome...  Anyway, that alone depressed feeling initiated the emotions...after that each description of motherhood and parenting hit me harder and harder, the wounds got deeper and deeper......ever since, that one Sunday has stood out SO clearly in my mind, everytime I start struggling with the journey I remember that and I begin to think I will never be that...I will never get the opportunity to bear a child, to parent, to be honored for my struggles of raising children in our society, to feel the relationship with my child and the pride that comes with watching to see the adult they become.

I just yesterday went to lunch with ladies from my family...we do that once a month.  My great-aunt (my grandma's sister) was sitting there holding her 6 week old great-grandson...and someone made a comment about my cousin (who just recently married a woman with a child already), my mom said "your granddaughter *****, OH! wait, your...great-granddaughter"...and it sunk in, I was the first of our generation to get married (now there's five of us married) and after almost five years, I still haven't made my mom a grandma...and my grandma (despite her longing for it) is still not a great-grandmother...

My mother-in-law referred me to two podcasts from Focus on the Family. To my surprise, they really hit the nail on the head.  They even admitted that they are so often geared towards family and raising children, and infertility doesn't really ever come up, but it is a huge issue.  So, thank you Focus on the Family for stepping out of your box for a couple days. If you feel so inclined, you have the time, and would like to truely understand how I and others feel (though I so often can't express myself), listen to the links below...part one and two. They were the podcasts for May 9th and 10th...and I felt like their two guests (both infertility patients) were speaking FOR me.  It was incredible.  One of the guests is Marlo Schalesky...she's the author of Empty Womb, Aching Heart, one of the books I've been reading, and a huge advocate for infertility awareness.  The funny thing is the description of how one of them felt at church on Mother's Day was so clearly my experience...Please listen (despite the cheesy intro and conclusions that are so typical of "Christian radio"), and spread the awareness...

PART ONE
http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2011/2_april_may_june/ffd_20110509.mp3
PART TWO
http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2011/2_april_may_june/ffd_20110510.mp3

#NIAW - Bust A Myth - "you're just not hitting it right"

Resolve (the National Center for Infertility) has people blogging about infertility myths to burst the bubbles of those who use them like water. I've read a couple interesting ones...for example (one we've all heard), "You're young, you still have plenty of time"...As I commented on my facebook, D and I originally wanted four kids.  Yes, we are still relatively young, at age 28 and 27.  But, at this stage we will likely have at least more years of treatment before conceiving...the FIRST.  At this point we will be at 30.  If we settle with two or three kids and space them properly (about two to three years in between), when we reach the age of 40 we will have three kids under the age of TEN, one of which will still be either an infant or toddler.  When my parents hit 40...I WAS A HIGH SCHOOLER!  All this doesn't even touch upon the risk factors that go into conception, carrying, and birthing for women beyond the age of 35.  So, I will respectfully reject the notion that we "have plenty of time"...we may still feel like newlyweds, but we've been married for 5 years and have been TTC almost that entire time...the next 7-8 year window before I reach 35 will close quickly.

Now, onto the myth I wanted to address.  "You're probably just not hitting it at the right time".  Really?  Those are some incredible odds...FIVE YEARS and we have only once "hit it right".  No, I'm sorry...but no matter how many times we time it exactly right, it's not just going to happen suddenly.  Remember, the definition of infertility is "a year or more of unprotected sex".  They provide that 12 month window to rule out variables such as timing.  No, once you are diagnosed with infertility whether explained or not, there is something larger at play than timing.

The funny thing, is that despite the fact that our journey is approaching five years, (four years this month since I've seen a positive pregnancy test), and the fact that they have found and identified a few legitimate issues I still hear this "helpful advice" from those closest to me.  I have PCOS and Prolactinemia.  Two legitimate issues that don't just one day decide to stop blocking pregnancy just because we timed it right this month.  Until, we figure out how to treat these (since there is no cure for either), we will not be successful.  And even at that point we may find that there are other factors as well.

This just made me think of an age old saying, "If you can't think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  Those of us in the infertile community are struggling with this issue enough that in addition to the medical advice we are receiving from medical professionals, we are doing research on our own, and know more about the way the female body works (thanks to our issues) than the general public does.  We need to spread awareness, not only so that this disease becomes a NON-taboo topic, but also so that the public does not naively think that because they were fertile and were successful in their TTC attempts that they know better and are the proper people to give advice.......regardless of how well intended the advice may be.

#NIAW

Well, for today's Facebook lesson for #NIAW I shared that approximately 1/3 of couples experiencing infertility deal with female issues, about a third are male factors, roughly 20% are unexplained, and the remaining are both male and female complications...I also shared something someone posted on RESOLVES Facebook page: the 1 in 8 ratio means that about 12 of every 100 Facebook friends are suffering from infertility! Those are big odds...

I never really thought about that myself, I know of a couple friends but not somewhere around 36 of them! It makes me feel not so alone, and yet makes me realize that there's people suffering in silence out there!

#NIAW - National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week...So, I am sharing an educational nugget each day on my facebook page.  Today I posted the definition of infertility:  the inability to conceive or carry a child to term after a year or more without contraceptives.  And that 1 in 8 US couples of child-bearing age are diagnosed with infertility.  I added the RESOLVE Twibbon to my twitter and facebook profile pictures...

So, far I have had a couple friends "like" or comment on facebook...but we shall see...by the end of the week, I hope that all my facebook friends will be a little less naive about infertility and the fact that I am 1 in 8.

New Dr...time to start over

Ok, well my first Dr. appointment with Dr. Maher of Sutter Medical was this morning.  Did all the routine stuff, he let me explain (in great detail) my history and where we are at now.  And his question to me at the end of all that was "So, what is your plan?" heh, well, I haven't been asked that thus far and didn't really know what to say...but I answered with "As soon as possible!"  That's the obvious answer from an infertile woman, isn't it?

Well, he scheduled a full blood panel work up...but, he said that he is going to need to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. My Dr. in Newport Beach did all the typical "low hanging fruit" tests that are what an OBGYN can grasp at, but now we need a specialist to step in and figure out what is going to be the best direction for us from here.  Which makes me happy, because I feel like I'm moving in a direction of some kind (though I don't know what that is just yet).  And I feel a little more justified in my "infertility", though I know I (by definition) AM infertile I can still doubt myself and feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion. 

However, I am nervous.  I will not be seeing a female health Dr. (which is covered by insurance), I'll be seeing a specialist...a reproductive specialist, at that.  Did you know that in the United States only a small portion of the states have passed mandates to make health care cover infertility expenses?  Did you know that as of now, California is not one of them?  So, yes, I'm a bit concerned...things from here on out get more serious, more involved, more expensive, and less of it is covered by health insurance.  I was originally hoping that my Dr. would represcribe the Rx's that I hadn't been on very long before to see if they would truely do the job...and then we would have an alternative that would allow us to be covered and prolong the specialist. But, he believes that there are other options that will be more productive than the two meds I was on...

So, I am waiting to hear about my blood work...and I am also waiting to hear from specialists to schedule referral appointments.  I hope and pray that the neurosurgeons office pulls their act together though!  My Dr. sent them a referral as well so that we could do one more MRI check just to make sure that the tumor is not the issue...they responded that they have no record of me being a patient ever (which is just about as disorganized and clueless as they acted when D and I tried to start this process three years ago).  So, we shall see how that one works out! :P

At least things are moving, right?

so sadly neglected blog...

Wow...I haven't been on here in AGES!

Combination of excuses include:
     *  I've been working full-time since November
     *  Our computer crashed entirely at the beginning of February
     *  Trying to get a handle on life has completely taken all I have out of me.

Ok, so those are my excuses...but, here we are...and here's a new post!

I love Shabby Blogs!!!  Megan (of Shabby Blogs) is amazing and through many circumstances reformatted all the free backgrounds and blog extras that I use...so I'll be refreshing the page and making it look lighter (I liked my previous background, but have to admit it was a little depressing...).  To make your blog beautifully shabby chic click here, to follow the Shabby Blogs Blog click here.

Further more...I have some updates...
As it goes with working full-time, I now have health benefits!!!  WooHoo! Finally, so I am beyond eager and excited to get the ball rolling all over again and hopefully find some answers.  I searched for hours a couple weeks ago for a Dr. that could rival the amazing Dr. Clayton that I had when we were living in Southern California...and found one (I think anyway).  Someone I work with, who is pregnant, recommended a certain group at the local hospital/medical group and he is in that office...and one of his "interested" areas in his profile is "infertility" (the only one I found that said that).  So, I requested all my records and scheduled an appointment.........now, if only the 19th could get here so we can get moving already!
I am very eager and anxious, the working full-time has been a strain on our marriage due to the schedules we've been keeping, but it has helped me in the dwelling on our infertility aspect of the whole thing.  Though, since time is still passing and babies are still not being made...I have had a few breakdowns at work...FIRSTS! (Read my other blog post "First Breakdown at Work" for details on that).

I see I have acquired a few more followers since last posting (thank you for following)...and hope to gain more! I also hope to be much more faithful in blogging, especially since I am hoping to actually have something to post about again!