Thanksgiving

Well, I've graduated into the next tier of the infertility journey...holidays and family events. OYE!

This year, for Thanksgiving we were with my mom's side...large family, warm and loud environment. It's definitely a postcard picture of what holidays with family looks like.  Well, shortly after D and I get there...we were sitting visiting with my cousins and my grandma. My cousin and I are one year apart, and were pretty close growing up, we graduated (same grade) from the same high school, and he celebrated his one year anniversary with his wife this year. My grandma (knowing a little of my situation and a little of my cousin and his wife's position about not being ready to have babies just yet), turned to him and started asking him questions about when and so on. This spurs a self-defense mechanism and he turns and says "Me? What about her?" and points to me........you know, no matter how many quick comebacks I come up with and how many times I convince myself "the next time someone does ___ I will have something to say about it", I always end up sitting there stunned..........well, I just sat there and stared at him, then I looked at my grandma (rather pitifully) and she hugged me, turned to him and said "She's working on it, she can't help it."

OF COURSE, my cousin is the sweetest guy alive and would never dream of being rude or insensitive about anything...and his face when grandma said that told it all, he knew he went somewhere he shouldn't have...but really? Why do people ASSUME? Why not ask first? I have always put this barrier up at family parties preparing myself for things like that...and the most I've ever gotten is a couple questions about when we were planning to start, but here we are...it has begun.  We are no longer the only ones of our generation married. Including our extended family two couples were married last summer and one more is getting married this coming spring. The race is on...to make our mothers grandmothers, our grandmothers great-grandmothers. And the fact that one of the couples (which obviously is NOT my cousin and his wife) is half way through their pregnancy has woken everyone up and caused the pressure and third degree to be on the rest of us.

So, oh well, he didn't mean it...he didn't know what he was saying...AND, surprisingly, grandma came to my defense when I was speechless.

Well, my cousin and his wife live a few hours away and they were staying through the weekend, so we planned to have dinner with them two days later before they headed out of town (first couples thing we'd ever done with them). Well, we were all ready and at first couldn't figure out what the plans were, then they changed slightly (to dessert instead of dinner), then when we met up with them it because an us, my brother, and all my cousins outting...when we got back to play games, his wife was preoccupied with something and wouldn't come near us. Fine, whatever, I can sympathize with moodiness or melancholy. Well, D went out to the kitchen to get something to drink and my aunt and cousins wife were having a tift about "babies" and whatever they were saying they dragged me into it and hushed up as soon as D walked in the room.  Really? How old are we again?

Let me make this quite clear: IF YOU DON'T KNOW OUR SITUATION OR DON'T UNDERSTAND IT..........ASK!!!!  I'm just at my wits end over this...I don't know what to do...I'm so tired of the situation itself, and I try to be very understanding of everyone else when I start having a emotional attack over it (whether that mean changing the subject or leaving the room or simply being non-chalant over peoples comments...the last thing I want to do is make other people uncomfortable or feel like they're walking on egg shells)...but, is it too selfish to ask people to talk to me about it? or to have a little shred of sensitivity about the issue, that they just may not know the whole situation? We have not waited four years to have a baby because we don't want to or it's too soon...we had a miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago and have had no luck since...

...let's top the last 24 hours off...shall we?

oh yes...and of course...who decided to show up this afternoon, after my last 24 hours of emotional craziness, but Aunt Flo...when it rains, it pours!  :P

Follow Up...Trying to Sleep Last Night

D was out as of 10pm (on the sofa)...and I kinda moved him upstairs.  But picking up and dropping his own arm on him wasn't phasing him, so I left the light on and thumbed through my Bible for a while.

I sent my mom a, likely pathetic, email last night asking her to pray about the issue and for my emotions...I climbed into bed and decided to read any verses I stumbled upon. Even if it's at random and has NOTHING to do with my issue it typically will calm me down enough to sleep. The first page I openned to was Psalm 69.  David's talking about his sins and wars and enemies...but the first grouping of verses I thought were interesting since I just openned to them.

Psalm 69:1-3a
"Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched."

Interesting...then, after thumbing through a while...I came upon the first chapter of I Samuel, which I actually had a bookmark in. I read the first and the beginning of the second chapter twice, and got different encouragement out of it both times. This is the story of Hannah...a story Christian infertility patients know well...and one that there is even a book all about it, "Hannah's Hope". She was sick with grief over being barren. Her husbands other wife, and her rival, was very fertile and flaunted over her. She tortured her about her infertility.
Verse 6-20
"And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, 'Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?' 
"Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the Lord's temple. In bitterness of the soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, 'O Lord Almighty, if You will only look upon Your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.'
"As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not hear. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, 'How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine.'
"'Not so, my lord,' Hannah replied, 'I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicken woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.'
"Eli answered, 'Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of Him.'
"She said, 'May your servant find favor in your eyes.' Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
"Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the Lord for him.'"

First time through, I did the typical...I thought to myself, because I am also in agony and praying fervently and wrestling with God over a child, I just have to be patient because He will grant that to us also. Well, as we know, that's not really how He works. For His purpose, He granted that to Hannah...but the Bible is not a play book that if we do what they did, then God will do for us what He did for them......no.

So, second time through...I was encouraged. I had just finished typing my last blog entry and had been talking about how I feel alone and I truely do feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because the people around me treat my grief like I am crazy...and here was Hannah. Sick with grief to the point of not eating (and she is not the only infertility patient in the Bible who was so upset they didn't eat)! She was so worked up that her husband thought she was drunk! In my post last night, I also commented on how just hearing other testimonials and reading other peoples stories makes me feel not so alone because there are others feeling the same thing and experiencing the same thing...last night I felt very alone (even D was in la-la-land and I'm pretty sure doesn't even know about last nights breakdown), and here I read about a woman who was so sick she was doing the "bargaining with God", her husband thought she was drunk, she wasn't caring for herself (eating that is) because she was so consumed by the misery of barrenness. And the story was important enough to be included in the Bible. And, her's isn't the only infertility story told in the Bible...Elizabeth, Sarah, Sarai, Hannah, Samson's mother, and I'm sure I'm missing a couple...

Anyway, all that to say God held me, encouraged me...and though I wonder where He's at and what He's doing about this issue- He was with me in my grief, comforted me, and I was able to settle down and sleep (perhaps not peacefully but still).

Where are You, Lord?

My family has been dealing with alot of waiting on the Lord lately.  One of my aunts has been battling cancer for eight years (as long as I've known D!). She had ovarian cancer, and the stage we caught it in was so progressed...I had a high school friend who's mom was in the same stage, discovered a month after my aunts, her tumor was a bit smaller than my aunts, and she passed away a month later. My aunt is a testimony to modern day miracles that the Lord performs, and His healing power. She's never been free, entirely, of it...and it's been getting worse. It's in her lungs and liver now, chemo doesn't seem to be having the effect on her counts that it has in the past...and we are praying for more miracles and more options (as, after eight years, the treatment options have run scarce).

My amazing aunt holds out that she believes she is enduring all of this for a reason. That there is a greater purpose to this major trial that has not played out yet. We all believe this, and there is a multitude of faithful believers in my family, and prayer warriors...and despite the fact that we all keep praying we are all beginning to ask God..."Where are You...do You hear us?  Please answer us soon!" Now, our feelings of this don't change the fact that we know God doesn't leave our side...we also know that He is capable but is not required to do anything...we also know that He always answers our prayers ~ perhaps just not the way we would like Him to.  I firmly believe that regardless of the outcome, my aunt situation will serve a higher purpose and God will use it in an amazing way...we all of course hope and pray that this means He, once again, does something miraculous and ultimately heals her. However, His purpose could be served otherwise, He could answer with a "no" and the whole thing could work out in an amazing way for the good anyhow.  Our thoughts are not His thoughts, our ways are not His ways...and we cannot see what He has in store...it's in His hands, we just pray fervently, but ultimately His will be done.


Weird...I was talking about that all with my mom this afternoon. She has been praying so faithfully for miracles, for healing. And she is waiting on Him to move. And she is beginning to ask "Lord...where are You...?" This evening, I found out some wonderful news for a friend of mine. She told me a couple weeks ago that she was pregnant. Well, today she found out it's twins......  D had the same thought I did- one wasn't enough?  Heh, as horrible as I feel for thinking that, because I am overjoyed and it's an amazing thought to me for her and her husband...it was, sadly, more or less aimed at God. Yes, I have that kind of relationship with Him. He's my Father. He knows me better than I know myself. He made me, temper and hormones and all...and He knows His plans for me...but I don't...and I'm tired, and sad, and frustrated, and I'm wondering if He's listening (even though I know He's right here holding me as I cry...and throwing my little tantrum). And though OBVIOUSLY I am not dying (or at least, not that I know of physically), and I am not going through the type of pain my aunt is. But, a friend said something comforting to me this week...as I progress on my journey of realizing and not denying the situation I am in..."pain is pain"...it's ok for me to feel pained by this- thank you Charlene...you don't know what that means, especially coming from you! :)  I still feel so alone in it. That I am the lone voice crying to God and pleading to Him...petitioning for a baby. I'm wondering why it is that my mom seems to think I make all of this up...that these feelings are over dramatized in some way. I wonder if she prays for a baby for us, if she's hurting for me...the way she hurts for others around her. I know her and her sister and her mother were all of the "fertile mertile" variety...but I long so badly to help infertility awareness in my family. But somehow everytime I attempt to discuss it, the issue seems to be thrown into a "Megs is a hypochondriac" category...or something...Really? I am not making this up!

Well, I started out asking God why?
"Why me?"
"Why do I have to deal with this?"
"Why can't this end?" 
And through up and downs and periods where I am handling the whole thing well, I have come to the point of...
"Lord, are You there?"
"Are You listening?"
"Are You going to answer me?"

I have no idea, not even the faintest, of how people without Christ get through this mess...because with Him I feel lost. I am clinging to Him every moment of every day...not just to get D and I through the trials we seem to continue to trudge along through...but through each moment that passes thinking that it's another moment lost...  I feel like I fall farther and farther behind- more than four years of marriage (as of August)...four years of no birth control (as of October)...and we've been trying ever since our miscarriage in April 2007 (yes, it really was a miscarriage, I had two positive pregnancy tests and the nurse when I started bleeding confirmed that I had miscarried...I didn't make it up)...we sought help in February 2009, since we finally had health care, and as we felt we were getting somewhere-lost the health care. 

What now Lord?  How long?  How long until I have a happy announcement that You have blessed us with a life growing inside me? ('cause yes, that's where I stand on that issue as well)  How long until my baby bump is happily in my way?  How long until I endure the aches and pains knowing my baby is growing and getting ready to enter this world?  How long until I get to be the new mommy in the maternity ward?  How long until I can make D the tired daddy passed out with a newborn on his chest?

I know, I know...this is SO depressing.  But, let me remind you...this is my "journal" through my infertility journey. I am sharing RAW feelings of what I am going through: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I am sharing it on here because one huge thing that helped me through last year as I tried to open up about it was reading other peoples stories, books with testimonials, other patients REAL feelings, and being able to admit my own feelings...and I realized I'm not alone, I'm not crazy (though everyone around me may think so). There are other women out there enduring the same wretched thing...so, here I am...another voice...another infertility blog...another wanna-be-mommy...just trying to help those who are on this journey also, and spread awareness to those who aren't, and be able to vent and rant and rave about what I am experiencing...before I burst a blood vessel!

First Time in a Maternity Ward...

Well, Monday we got a call from our friends to see if we wanted to meet for dinner...and we hadn't hung out with them in so long we jumped at the opportunity!

D got off work, we threw ourselves together, and raced down the hill. We sat in Chevy's for happy hour...watched the last game of the World Series...(our Giants won!)...we visited for a long time, it was wonderful! They had left their little girl home because S was having contractions early that morning and they'd come up to the hospital and the little guy wasn't ready to come out yet. After visiting so long (and we live closer to the hospital than they do), we decided to all head up to our house. We visited for a while, caught up. D made waffles because he decided they had to try some of the jam I'd made, so that was our dessert. After that we sat and visited some more, but S was starting to get strong contractions again. They decided to stay the night just in case.

About an hour after going to bed, they were strong and frequent, and they decided to head off to the hospital. By the next evening, finally, he decided a week late was long enough and came out (pretty effortlessly too). Went went down late last night to bring them food and say hi.

It was my first time in a maternity ward...sort of surreal. All the families huddled in the doorways of recovery rooms. Balloons. Faint baby cries. We went into her delivery room, and he was laying on the table and the nurses where getting all his info entered and sorted out, taking his little footprints and everything. It was weird...I felt so excited yet out of place in a weird way. We helped them take everything to their room on the next floor, and I got to hold him while N and S ate their In-N-Out and just relaxed for a bit. Precious! Before that their daughter was the youngest baby I had held...D had held her in the hospital but I was sick and didn't see her until she was about five weeks old. This little guy was three hours old. He kept sucking on his tounge, and he didn't have the newborn screech, it was a softer cry...and as S said he responds to the same things his sister did when she was crying. (Which made calming him much less daunting)...

At first, the feelings were of wonder and adoration...he's REALLY cute! Then, the more I glanced up at D and the more he made little faces at me, it made me wish that it was our turn. My turn to be recovering, for us to stare proudly as our family held and adored our little one. It was hard...it got harder as we drove home...and then climbed into bed. I layed there in amazement at God and how the whole process works. I was thinking about how approximately 24 hours ago I was laying down to go to bed just like I am now, but my pregnant friend was in the room down the hall...and now her and her husband are sitting in the hospital with new baby #2, a boy...awaiting the next day when family would come and they'd get to bring him home.  It's amazing...and it was hard...and everything I thought of made me want to wonder and smile yet at the same time caused pain and made me want to cry...