If we are sending you this letter, it is because we know that you have been close family and friends to us and have been so faithful to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We treasure, and greatly appreciate, how supportive each of you have been to us -- with our first few years of marriage and especially within the last year with the roller coaster of changes that God has been bringing us through!
Recently, God has been breaking my pride to an issue that we've been wrestling with for almost three years now. Drew and I have been discussing starting our own little family for quite a while now, but thus far it has been a mental, emotional, and medical struggle. As some of you know, we had a VERY early term miscarriage a couple years ago, which actually has turned into an encouragement that we at least know we CAN get pregnant. We decided six months ago, to begin research to find a good doctor and pursuing professional help with our attempts -- which, praise the Lord, wasn't too challenging and so far we are very happy with him! After discussing my medical and birth control history with him, he started us on a list of tests, which we also praise God for -- typically they will tell you to monitor your attempts once seeking a doctors help for at least 12 months before beginning tests. We have no clear diagnosis as to the reason for the "infertility", thus far, but we have had xrays, blood work, etc... that have come back fine. However, I had one level come back signifying that the issue I had in high school (some of you know what that was) is an issue again. The doctor said we need an MRI and then I should be able to have medication to balance things and we should then have no problem getting pregnant. We are hoping and praying (however skeptical) that it is as simple as it sounds. As weird as it is to say "infertility", that is what it is. It doesn't have to be a permanent condition, but according to the definition...having trouble for at least a year...we qualify!
Over the course of the last two years, God has been truly growing a desire for a baby, in both of us. The more time passes, the more that desire, which God instilled in my heart, grows. God has been breaking down the walls I've put up regarding this sensitive issue; we've kept it very private between the two of us. But I've felt very convicted about being humble and vulnerable, and asking for prayer.
We are now trying to be open with family and friends, as well as eachother and our parents, which is remarkably difficult to do. It's an awkward topic, things are said that make one side or the other uncomfortable, or the encouragement is not taken correctly (as either non-helpful automated responses or a pain minimizing joke). I am reading a book called "When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden
" (a very depressing title!), but the chapter I just finished is called "When Everyone Says the Wrong Thing". All the chapters start with a verse and this one starts with Proverbs 25:20 (which I had to read a few times before I really understood it) "Like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar on soda, is he who sings songs to a troubled heart." The chapter discusses (or actually lists) the many responses that seem to come from everyone in regards to this topic. I was surprised to find that I've heard quite a few of them from the few people we have discussed this issue with. "At least ...", "Maybe God...", "You have time", "You haven't been trying long enough", "You want kids? Borrow mine!", "It'll happen soon", (regarding miscarriage) "It's for the best", "There was probably a problem with the pregnancy"...and on and on. They all have a caption after them stating how the patient is feeling or what they think in response to these, most have to do with feeling that they are doing something incorrectly or not having enough faith: therefore it's their fault they haven't had a baby, or that people are trying to make the topic less awkward and minimizing the pain that they feel. ....DON'T GET ME WRONG!!!...we don't necessarily get offended by any of these responses, we actually keep telling them to ourselves and we do reassure ourselves constantly, trying to 'make sense' of this waiting game. We KNOW and truly believe that God has a divine plan for us and our "family-to-be", He always has and always will provide for us, and it is always in His perfect timing. It is, however, still a mental and emotional battle for us, regardless of what we "know". Hannah, in the book of I Samuel, is an excellent example of this. Talk about an emotional struggle. A DEEP and consistent desire for children, and her "rival" seems to be "fertile mertile". Hannah doesn't eat, sleep and weeps constantly -- God never gets angry over these emotions, nor did He say it was sinful for her to have them. I have been researching this alot when I get bored with my books, and I have found SO many GREAT women of the Bible that God used in their infertility, and then blessed them with children: Sarah -> Isaac, Rebekah -> Jacob and Esau, Rachel -> Joseph and Benjamin, Hannah -> Samuel, Elizabeth -> John the Baptist, Abram's wife Sarai was also "barren", as was Samson's mother......SO, after reading most of that chapter in my book, even I was thinking, What do people say in that situation if everythng is taken the wrong way?.......simply.......nothing......"We simply want them to be there...Silence, a touch, and simple assurances go a long way toward healing: 'I'm sorry', 'How can I help you?', 'I feel sad for you', 'How are you doing?', 'It's ok to cry'." (pg 81). Most of these sound very somber, and I don't think we are quite that broken feeling yet, but it makes sense and we can relate. It is a sensitive subject, but it's hard to understand how much so unless you've experienced it. So, in setting down my pride and fear of being asked questions that may make me emotional, we are requesting prayer and sensitivity to the issue, that we've kept close and private all this time. We have worked on communicating with eachother, God, and our parents. Now that we are realizing that is potentially recurring issue with the tumor I had in high school -- which I thought was well behind me, we would like to request prayers for strength and patience as we continue to wait and hope. I feel guilty, in a way to be continually requesting prayer from all of you, however God has showed me that I'm bottling it up inside, and that that is what we as the body of Christ are here for...to lift eachother up in prayer. Drew and I feel so blessed with such a strong family of prayer warriors surrounding us. We know that regardless of what lies in our path or what God has for us as the outcome -- the course will be His will, in His timing. Though we are comforted by this understanding -- we are seeking His guidance and comfort for the journey we've been on and for the strong desire of our hearts.
We love you all and pray for you ALL continually. Thank you for all of your continuing love and support. (And thank you for enduring through another of my lengthy, wordy letters).
Drew and Megan
Phillipians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Isaiah 30:18 "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!"
2 Corinthians 4:16 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
Psalm 84:10a "Better is one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere..."
...I'll stop there...I could go on and on... :D
