fathers day

...oh another "parent" devoted holiday...where those of us in the infertile community feel left-out, and are reminded of the struggle of TTC that we are battling.

Mr. D is wonderful, he has been very supportive of me, and lately he has been much more aware of where i'm at in the journey, as the issue is beginning to catch up with him as well. he hasn't always understood...and has (at times) thought i was a little "out there" but as time has worn on and we still have no little ones around, he's feeling the strain as well.

yesterday, a customer came into his store and was talking about everything he was going to be doing with his kids for fathers day...he turned to D and asked him what his kids were doing for him for fathers day. oh yes, the assumption heard round-the-world by all infertility couples. i've heard it and been hurt by the "which ones are yours" that requires me to say correctively "i don't have any" rather than a simple "no" to "do you have kids". ...so, now it's caught up with him, and not just the "would-be-mom" is hearing the naive assumptions of the non-fertility challenged community. ...and after all that the guy turned to him and told him happy fathers day, which sent him over the edge...

it breaks my heart. i wish more than anything that i could provide fatherhood to my husband...that i could create for him the opportunity to experience the joys of having a child that is his. enjoying the delights of having a daddy's girl experience...being able to say "that's my son".

we can only continue to pray that God will bless us with children. that He will bless us with strength and peace throughout the journey, to keep us sane while we wait.

so to all you "mothers" out there...we feel we are mothers, whether only for a short period of time during pregnancy or only with your heart's desire after failed attempts...our husbands are also "fathers" in their hearts and some for a week, or two, or perhaps with some of you even experienced the birth of their child...they are fathers as we are mothers...and they are hurting in their own way as we are hurting in ours...

may God provide you all peace as you attempt to grow your families.

allowing yourself to grieve and cry

in finishing the last book i was reading, and moving on to the next, i've been reading alot about how part of dealing with the grief of miscarriage and infertility is acknowledging that your pain is real and that the grief you feel is real. i feel like this is alot of the reason i've been struggling lately...

i completely agree with alot of what people have said (and already knew it and have told myself all these things so i don't need "instructions"), but that, obviously, we have not begun to exhaust all the options...that, obviously, we've only been married four years and are still young...that, obviously, God's timing is not our timing and if His plan is to bless us, He will in His timing. well, i am aware of all that. and as much as other people see this as "encouragement" and "advice"...it's not. i can't express how often all the cliche pep talks that infertility patients receive are on my mind...as a matter of fact, as i try to hold myself together and "suck it up", i am giving myself these pep talks and motivational speaches- every day! so, of course, the last thing that is going to be encouraging is when i finally open up about how i'm feeling for someone to say all of this fluff to me, whether it be because they think they know or they haven't a clue what to say...rather than just saying sorry, or listening, or hugging, or i'm praying...it's amazing how much further those words go. infertile couples are looking for support and love, not "words of wisdom" and advise (particularly from the fertile community).

well, as i said before, i'm at a point where i feel like i need to talk about where i'm at...holding it in and keeping it private is killing me from the inside. so, when yet another person announces pregnancy if my mom happens to ask how my day was...well, i can't lie and say it went alright...no, i was a basket case all day, i then proceeded to blog about it, research, and read about it and find any support i could. the end result usually ends in said advice. or some of the comments i shared in my other post ...awareness...  well, i need to grieve. i am simply attempting to be productive in dealing with the situation i am in...and a huge part of that grieving process is saying that grief is justified.

i called in to work sick on April 11, 2007...my husband ran to the store that evening and grabbed a two-pack of digital pregnancy tests. i took one...positive. we took a second, just to be sure...positive. i proceeded to take a photo of the stick that read "pregnant" on it and emailed it to our parents and my college roommates. when we went to bed that night i layed awake all night ecstatic, i had been fearful (for absolutely no reason) of infertility when i was in college. the next morning, knowing that my nausea was a life not sickness, i went to work. people knew. that was the first thing about three people said to me when i saw them that morning! i was affirmed that it was evident all afternoon...ecstatic. it was a hectic day and i was rushing around, we were out of shopping bags so i went and grabbed a few huge boxes and started unloading them near the registers. about 20 minutes later i was feeling funny...then pain...then i had a weird feeling something was wrong...i went into the restroom, blood. i took my lunch and i freaked out and called my mom, then called and scheduled an appointment with the RN at the family practice i'd been to a few times...i left work early and called the hubbs to meet me. i had miscarried. she said (according to my cycle) i was about 5 weeks along, but with the pregnancy tests (which are as accurate as the ones they give, she said) and what she could tell from the exam, though they had not confirmed the pregnancy, it was a miscarriage. i was devastated.

so, am i not allowed to grieve because i only knew for 24 hours? yes i am! does it hurt any less saying, it was a very early term miscarriage? no, it doesn't.  did it hurt going to work the next day not wanting to talk about it and having people say, it's probably a boy- they give you alot of trouble, and having to say no it's not i lost it? umm, ya... though i didn't know very long, though this was three years ago, though it was early term and we probably would not have even known about it if it weren't for advances in home testing systems...it crushed me. i cried for days about it, which now i would probably have more support, but even D back then couldn't understand what was wrong with me.

every couple feels this grief...to one degree or another. even those who have only had the infertility side and no miscarriages have experienced the grief of loss...the loss of the child they long for. couples that have spent thousands on treatment and had multiple miscarriages have experienced the grief of loss...the loss of multiple children they had sacrificed so they could conceive and did, only to lose them. everyone in this sad community i am a part of has experienced grief, and must acknowledge that it is ok to grieve, to be sad, to cry! it's the only way to ever deal with that pain. well, i have been making an attempt- even just for self-preservation -and instead of acting like "oh well it was really really early" or "we barely even knew for 24 hours" (which are both things i've said), i am validating it by "when i lost my pregnancy" or simply talking about it in april with my husband...our baby would have been a little over two years old this april. and i realized that i don't really have receptive parties on the other end...allowing me to talk about it, and validating it with me. i get the "its not that bad" "other people have it worse" "i think you're probably just hitting it at the wrong time" and even "are you sure you were even pregnant" responses.

...so, infertile women...as much as it hurts, share AWARENESS with your friends and family...be open to them, and honest with them. (i got this from the book When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden)-- think of this: in sharing pregnancy and then the following miscarriage would you rather, a) hide the pregnancy until you're sure, and then after the following miscarriage have to say "oh, i was pregnant, but we lost the baby" and have a response of "at least you know you can get pregnant" OR b) share immediately and have people be overjoyed with you and then when you share the loss have people supporting you and grieving with you? allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to CRY! when you speak of your children, speak of them as that...you are mothers, whether for a breif period of time or only with a mothers heart, you are mothers. have your spouse share in this awareness as well, you have to have a support group around you...the loneliness of infertility is bad enough, but braving it alone is worse. and most of all be vulnerable and ask for prayer...you'll be amazed by the support you receive.

...awareness...

something i am struggling so greatly with right now is how to approach this subject. on my side; it is a very tender wound that i cry about when i start to talk about it, so i don't. i avoid all circumstances that could make me comment on a baby. Mr. D and i were visiting family, i was sharing about how many resumes i have submitted and not received replies...the response was "have a baby, that'll keep you busy"...well, obviously we have not shared with this person our situation and struggle. my first thought was, wow- if only it were that simple...you have no idea how much i wish that could happen! i just said, "ya, i wish"...and Mr. D quickly changed the subject. however open i may be about everything else that happens to us that we need prayer for (maybe to a TMI extent), i just can't seem to open up about this. about a year ago, i was feeling convicted and that God was teaching me to be more humble and let go. so, i typed a long letter about our current situation, my feelings, some quotes from When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden, and enclosed some verses and was going to send it to our family and friends asking for love and prayer...never sent it.

here's my struggle...i am at an emotional state, at this point, that i need those around me to be aware and understanding (though most can't fully understand). i just have not succeeded in explaining. very close and dear members of my family, whom i attempt to vent to and am simply looking for a loving shoulder say things such as "really? i don't think you really had a miscarriage." (well, even though we had just had the positive test and had not verified the pregnancy, i went in for a doctors appointment the day i started bleeding and confirmed that because we had two positives at home and according to my exam, yes i'd miscarried), or "well, if that had been a successful pregnancy, think of how hard the last couple years would have been." (so, what you're saying is that i should be greatful i lost my baby? if that had been God's timing for us, yes things would have been different, but we would have dealt with it and the infertility burden would not have been plaguing us this whole time), and a recent one "really? i don't think you want a baby right now, that would be hard on you and your situation." (really? so, because God has been pulling us through trying times in the last year-and-a-half that means i should want a baby less? that if i had a baby, i'd not want it?...sure, there would have been some extra strain, however it would have rid us of a HUGE burden that we've carried along the way, and seeing God's provisions so evidently in our life i know He would have provided)

on the family side; there are so many issues..."fertile mertyles" plague my side, also the idea that i am a sensitive and emotional person- so i am likely exaggerating the issue. my family is all pretty private as well, so attempting to express the strain of the tests and the whole process of it all usually leads to either not getting the point across or people thinking i'm being a little too open.

with my firends; well everyone is either not married, popping out babies, or not trying (even people we thought were not trying are popping out babies). i really don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone...and when i do i feel like the pathetic person with diarreah-of-the-mouth trying to make people feel sorry for me.

i know we are in a hang stage where we can't be proactive about it at the moment, and i know we have not come close to exhausting the options...but this applies regardless of the severity of the situation...because infertility hurts, the pain is real~

i found this video on the Hannah's Prayer Ministries web site. please watch, it is a fertility patients plea to family and friends for support and understanding that has become a tool for spreading awareness of infertility

www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

i also found this "checklist"...or help list...for people who have loved ones facing infertility, i thought the points were very good.

Helping a Loved One with Infertility

Suggestions:

• 
  
  Unless you are a very close friend, don’t ask specifics such as, “What day do you have the pregnancy test?,” or “What day will you do the artificial insemination?” Simply saying, “I’m praying for you,” “We’re thinking of you,” or “Please let us know if there’s anything we can do,” are all appropriate ways to show your interest without putting her on the spot.

• 
  
  If possible, do not surprise her by making a big announcement that you’re pregnant. While it is appropriate for you to be excited and want to share your news in a big way, consider telling her privately first and letting her know when you plan to share your news.

• 
  
  Do not ask her any questions about infertility around other people.

• 
  
  The childless couple may feel “out of place” at child-centered family events like family vacations, Easter egg hunts, children’s birthday parties, etc. Absolutely invite them, but don’t make them explain why they declined the invitation.

• 
  
  Offering to ride with her or drive her to appointments would be appreciated. People often have to drive over an hour to the nearest infertility clinic.

• 
  
  If you say something to her and think later that maybe you shouldn’t have said it, call her and apologize. It will mean al lot to her.

• 
  
  Definitely invite her to baby showers and let her know when a baby has been born, but don’t expect her to attend those events. Besides feeling very uncomfortable herself, she may feel that her presence will make others uncomfortable.

• 
  
  Sometimes a woman going through infertility will not want to talk about it. But she still needs to know people care. Calling and leaving a message saying, “I hope you’re doing OK. We love you and are praying for you. Call if you want to talk,” is very considerate because there’s no pressure for her to call back yet she knows she hasn’t been forgotten.

• 
  
  Sending “Thinking of You” cards are nice. Here is an example of a note: “I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying today and especially over the next three weeks. As I was thinking of you this verse kept coming to my mind and I think it is meant for you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope an a future!” Jeremiah 29:11. God’s plan is to give you hope and not harm. Know that you are loved and cared for deeply!

• 
  
  Acknowledging that Christmas and Mother’s Day are difficult days is appreciated - but this is a tricky one. An example follows: at a family Christmas, my sister-in-law privately walked over to me and handed me a gift bag. It contained a children’s book with a written note on the inside cover: “This is a bedtime favorite of our girls. We hope it will be for your little one very soon! We love you and keep your baby-to-be in our prayers!” It meant so much that she took such a bold step to acknowledge our pain, but did it very privately so we were not put on the spot. She realized that while everyone else was happy and excited, we were struggling.

• 
  
  There are lots of books on infertility and miscarriage that can be helpful. Buying one and mailing it, along with a simple note, to someone you love who is experiencing infertility would be a very nice gesture.

• 
  
  If you know she has just had a negative pregnancy test or is having an especially difficult time, sending flowers with a note saying, “We love you, “or “We’re thinking of you,” is always a good idea.

Things to Avoid Saying:
(i've heard all but one of these)

• 
  
  “Just don’t think about it so much and it’ll happen.”

• 
  
  “You’re lucky. We would love to have some time without our kids!”

• 
  
  “If you wouldn’t get so stressed out about it, maybe...”

• 
  
  “I know exactly how you feel, it took us two months to conceive.”

• 
  
  “You can have a couple of my kids!”

• 
  
  “I’m having another boy. I was hoping for a girl.”

• 
  
  “This was an accident. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the summertime.”

• 
  
  “I can just lay in the same bed with my husband and get pregnant!”

• 
  
  “Maybe God doesn’t want you to have children for some reason.”

• 
  
  “Do you just not want kids?”

• 
  
  “Have you tried....”

• 
  
  “You’re Lucky, you don’t have to take the pill.”

• 
  
  “How much does it cost to do......(in vitro, artificial insemination, etc.)”

a not so short introduction

...my heart is aching.......does anyone else ever feel like this? it feels as though i've hit a wall...as though the world has stopped...my heart physically aches, my body physically aches...i know that i am a bit on the dramatic side, and quite emotional at times...but i can't describe the pain

i know, and pep talk myself frequently, about how my hubbs and i are on our own timing with God and His will, regardless of what path He has the others around us on...i know we are in His hands and He will provide for us...however, none of that changes the longing and the aching.

i truly can't describe it, and when i do it sounds like the devils work...heh...but there is something inside missing, some longing unfullfilled...

well, my husband and i have been trying to conceive for three-and-a-half years now. we were not constantly "trying" but we've been off of birth control since october 2006 (which to anyone who knows how all of this work, that is considered "trying"). infertility is the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term while having unprotected sex for over a year...so, yes, i'd say we qualify for that. in april of 2007, we had a very early term miscarriage...but it was a loss none-the-less. we continued to try (more seriously) for the next year and a half.

in january 2009 we received amazing health benefits and decided it was time to "try" with help. i found a fantastic doctor- who, by the grace of God, did not decide to monitor me for the next 12 months (as many do) but decided that 2 years was enough and started testing for all the basic stuff right away. sonograms, pelvic exams, an HSG, and blood work down...tubes open and clear, no endo to speak of, and thyroid all fine. i do have cysts on my ovaries and high prolactin hormone levels. so i had an mri, (i had a pituitary tumor when i was young which is what formerly caused that), no tumor just elevated levels.

so, here we were, feeling OK about the situation...he prescribed me two medications: one to balance the hormone levels (which could prevent pregnancy) and the other to experiment (he believed me to have PCOS, and this medication was known to help the eggs drop and not become cysts). well, within two months i caught swine flu and went off my meds because i was on so many others for pneumonia...then i went back on them after a month. then two months later, Mr. D lost his job and we had no more insurance (therefore, no more prescription refills).

so...here i am...stuck......it's so hard because i feel like i have a potential solution, and instead of trying it out and if it does not work, quickly moving on to the next, i'm just sitting on it. precious time is passing as i just wait, and know that unless by miracle (which i believe Him capable of) there is no way for me to get pregnant during this "waiting" period.

i was reflecting today, attempting to think of why that october seems so painfully long ago. i realized that i went through a phase of everyone who had weddings around the time we got married was pregnant, save a handful. and i thought to myself, "that's ok, so-and-so has not rushed things there are still some that haven't started, the others are just getting right into family mode". within a couple months all of those individuals were expecting as well. it was rough...then the storm was calm for a while. the battle at this point was in my own head. well, within the last four months there are a few first time pregnancies that we know of that were just announced...and everyone else is now on their SECOND or THIRD!

wow, so i was "agonizing" when all of these had just conceived their first, through the time of pregnancy, infancy, and now most of those precious little ones are nearly a year and about to have a sibling......well, that does make it sound like a long time.

today i decided to start this blog to journal and vent, and maybe someday some other patient will read my experience and either feel encouraged or maybe just a little less alone. i started blogging about life in general a couple years ago, and have been setting up a new blog this week (after having transfered my old entries over). but today i had an infertility meltdown and decided that i need an outlet for my feelings, even if no one ever reads this. i am going to put a "my story" page on here, as well as a couple pages of things i have come across and have found helpful in my journey. and the "blog" itself will be my daily ramblings...