allowing yourself to grieve and cry

in finishing the last book i was reading, and moving on to the next, i've been reading alot about how part of dealing with the grief of miscarriage and infertility is acknowledging that your pain is real and that the grief you feel is real. i feel like this is alot of the reason i've been struggling lately...

i completely agree with alot of what people have said (and already knew it and have told myself all these things so i don't need "instructions"), but that, obviously, we have not begun to exhaust all the options...that, obviously, we've only been married four years and are still young...that, obviously, God's timing is not our timing and if His plan is to bless us, He will in His timing. well, i am aware of all that. and as much as other people see this as "encouragement" and "advice"...it's not. i can't express how often all the cliche pep talks that infertility patients receive are on my mind...as a matter of fact, as i try to hold myself together and "suck it up", i am giving myself these pep talks and motivational speaches- every day! so, of course, the last thing that is going to be encouraging is when i finally open up about how i'm feeling for someone to say all of this fluff to me, whether it be because they think they know or they haven't a clue what to say...rather than just saying sorry, or listening, or hugging, or i'm praying...it's amazing how much further those words go. infertile couples are looking for support and love, not "words of wisdom" and advise (particularly from the fertile community).

well, as i said before, i'm at a point where i feel like i need to talk about where i'm at...holding it in and keeping it private is killing me from the inside. so, when yet another person announces pregnancy if my mom happens to ask how my day was...well, i can't lie and say it went alright...no, i was a basket case all day, i then proceeded to blog about it, research, and read about it and find any support i could. the end result usually ends in said advice. or some of the comments i shared in my other post ...awareness...  well, i need to grieve. i am simply attempting to be productive in dealing with the situation i am in...and a huge part of that grieving process is saying that grief is justified.

i called in to work sick on April 11, 2007...my husband ran to the store that evening and grabbed a two-pack of digital pregnancy tests. i took one...positive. we took a second, just to be sure...positive. i proceeded to take a photo of the stick that read "pregnant" on it and emailed it to our parents and my college roommates. when we went to bed that night i layed awake all night ecstatic, i had been fearful (for absolutely no reason) of infertility when i was in college. the next morning, knowing that my nausea was a life not sickness, i went to work. people knew. that was the first thing about three people said to me when i saw them that morning! i was affirmed that it was evident all afternoon...ecstatic. it was a hectic day and i was rushing around, we were out of shopping bags so i went and grabbed a few huge boxes and started unloading them near the registers. about 20 minutes later i was feeling funny...then pain...then i had a weird feeling something was wrong...i went into the restroom, blood. i took my lunch and i freaked out and called my mom, then called and scheduled an appointment with the RN at the family practice i'd been to a few times...i left work early and called the hubbs to meet me. i had miscarried. she said (according to my cycle) i was about 5 weeks along, but with the pregnancy tests (which are as accurate as the ones they give, she said) and what she could tell from the exam, though they had not confirmed the pregnancy, it was a miscarriage. i was devastated.

so, am i not allowed to grieve because i only knew for 24 hours? yes i am! does it hurt any less saying, it was a very early term miscarriage? no, it doesn't.  did it hurt going to work the next day not wanting to talk about it and having people say, it's probably a boy- they give you alot of trouble, and having to say no it's not i lost it? umm, ya... though i didn't know very long, though this was three years ago, though it was early term and we probably would not have even known about it if it weren't for advances in home testing systems...it crushed me. i cried for days about it, which now i would probably have more support, but even D back then couldn't understand what was wrong with me.

every couple feels this grief...to one degree or another. even those who have only had the infertility side and no miscarriages have experienced the grief of loss...the loss of the child they long for. couples that have spent thousands on treatment and had multiple miscarriages have experienced the grief of loss...the loss of multiple children they had sacrificed so they could conceive and did, only to lose them. everyone in this sad community i am a part of has experienced grief, and must acknowledge that it is ok to grieve, to be sad, to cry! it's the only way to ever deal with that pain. well, i have been making an attempt- even just for self-preservation -and instead of acting like "oh well it was really really early" or "we barely even knew for 24 hours" (which are both things i've said), i am validating it by "when i lost my pregnancy" or simply talking about it in april with my husband...our baby would have been a little over two years old this april. and i realized that i don't really have receptive parties on the other end...allowing me to talk about it, and validating it with me. i get the "its not that bad" "other people have it worse" "i think you're probably just hitting it at the wrong time" and even "are you sure you were even pregnant" responses.

...so, infertile women...as much as it hurts, share AWARENESS with your friends and family...be open to them, and honest with them. (i got this from the book When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden)-- think of this: in sharing pregnancy and then the following miscarriage would you rather, a) hide the pregnancy until you're sure, and then after the following miscarriage have to say "oh, i was pregnant, but we lost the baby" and have a response of "at least you know you can get pregnant" OR b) share immediately and have people be overjoyed with you and then when you share the loss have people supporting you and grieving with you? allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to CRY! when you speak of your children, speak of them as that...you are mothers, whether for a breif period of time or only with a mothers heart, you are mothers. have your spouse share in this awareness as well, you have to have a support group around you...the loneliness of infertility is bad enough, but braving it alone is worse. and most of all be vulnerable and ask for prayer...you'll be amazed by the support you receive.