something i am struggling so greatly with right now is how to approach this subject. on my side; it is a very tender wound that i cry about when i start to talk about it, so i don't. i avoid all circumstances that could make me comment on a baby. Mr. D and i were visiting family, i was sharing about how many resumes i have submitted and not received replies...the response was "have a baby, that'll keep you busy"...well, obviously we have not shared with this person our situation and struggle. my first thought was, wow- if only it were that simple...you have no idea how much i wish that could happen! i just said, "ya, i wish"...and Mr. D quickly changed the subject. however open i may be about everything else that happens to us that we need prayer for (maybe to a TMI extent), i just can't seem to open up about this. about a year ago, i was feeling convicted and that God was teaching me to be more humble and let go. so, i typed a long letter about our current situation, my feelings, some quotes from When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden
, and enclosed some verses and was going to send it to our family and friends asking for love and prayer...never sent it.
, and enclosed some verses and was going to send it to our family and friends asking for love and prayer...never sent it. here's my struggle...i am at an emotional state, at this point, that i need those around me to be aware and understanding (though most can't fully understand). i just have not succeeded in explaining. very close and dear members of my family, whom i attempt to vent to and am simply looking for a loving shoulder say things such as "really? i don't think you really had a miscarriage." (well, even though we had just had the positive test and had not verified the pregnancy, i went in for a doctors appointment the day i started bleeding and confirmed that because we had two positives at home and according to my exam, yes i'd miscarried), or "well, if that had been a successful pregnancy, think of how hard the last couple years would have been." (so, what you're saying is that i should be greatful i lost my baby? if that had been God's timing for us, yes things would have been different, but we would have dealt with it and the infertility burden would not have been plaguing us this whole time), and a recent one "really? i don't think you want a baby right now, that would be hard on you and your situation." (really? so, because God has been pulling us through trying times in the last year-and-a-half that means i should want a baby less? that if i had a baby, i'd not want it?...sure, there would have been some extra strain, however it would have rid us of a HUGE burden that we've carried along the way, and seeing God's provisions so evidently in our life i know He would have provided)
on the family side; there are so many issues..."fertile mertyles" plague my side, also the idea that i am a sensitive and emotional person- so i am likely exaggerating the issue. my family is all pretty private as well, so attempting to express the strain of the tests and the whole process of it all usually leads to either not getting the point across or people thinking i'm being a little too open.
with my firends; well everyone is either not married, popping out babies, or not trying (even people we thought were not trying are popping out babies). i really don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone...and when i do i feel like the pathetic person with diarreah-of-the-mouth trying to make people feel sorry for me.
i know we are in a hang stage where we can't be proactive about it at the moment, and i know we have not come close to exhausting the options...but this applies regardless of the severity of the situation...because infertility hurts, the pain is real~
i found this video on the Hannah's Prayer Ministries web site. please watch, it is a fertility patients plea to family and friends for support and understanding that has become a tool for spreading awareness of infertility
i also found this "checklist"...or help list...for people who have loved ones facing infertility, i thought the points were very good.
Helping a Loved One with Infertility
Suggestions:
Unless you are a very close friend, don’t ask specifics such as, “What day do you have the pregnancy test?,” or “What day will you do the artificial insemination?” Simply saying, “I’m praying for you,” “We’re thinking of you,” or “Please let us know if there’s anything we can do,” are all appropriate ways to show your interest without putting her on the spot.
If possible, do not surprise her by making a big announcement that you’re pregnant. While it is appropriate for you to be excited and want to share your news in a big way, consider telling her privately first and letting her know when you plan to share your news.
Do not ask her any questions about infertility around other people.
The childless couple may feel “out of place” at child-centered family events like family vacations, Easter egg hunts, children’s birthday parties, etc. Absolutely invite them, but don’t make them explain why they declined the invitation.
Offering to ride with her or drive her to appointments would be appreciated. People often have to drive over an hour to the nearest infertility clinic.
If you say something to her and think later that maybe you shouldn’t have said it, call her and apologize. It will mean al lot to her.
Definitely invite her to baby showers and let her know when a baby has been born, but don’t expect her to attend those events. Besides feeling very uncomfortable herself, she may feel that her presence will make others uncomfortable.
Sometimes a woman going through infertility will not want to talk about it. But she still needs to know people care. Calling and leaving a message saying, “I hope you’re doing OK. We love you and are praying for you. Call if you want to talk,” is very considerate because there’s no pressure for her to call back yet she knows she hasn’t been forgotten.
Sending “Thinking of You” cards are nice. Here is an example of a note: “I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying today and especially over the next three weeks. As I was thinking of you this verse kept coming to my mind and I think it is meant for you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope an a future!” Jeremiah 29:11. God’s plan is to give you hope and not harm. Know that you are loved and cared for deeply!
Acknowledging that Christmas and Mother’s Day are difficult days is appreciated - but this is a tricky one. An example follows: at a family Christmas, my sister-in-law privately walked over to me and handed me a gift bag. It contained a children’s book with a written note on the inside cover: “This is a bedtime favorite of our girls. We hope it will be for your little one very soon! We love you and keep your baby-to-be in our prayers!” It meant so much that she took such a bold step to acknowledge our pain, but did it very privately so we were not put on the spot. She realized that while everyone else was happy and excited, we were struggling.
There are lots of books on infertility and miscarriage that can be helpful. Buying one and mailing it, along with a simple note, to someone you love who is experiencing infertility would be a very nice gesture.
If you know she has just had a negative pregnancy test or is having an especially difficult time, sending flowers with a note saying, “We love you, “or “We’re thinking of you,” is always a good idea.
Things to Avoid Saying:
(i've heard all but one of these)
“Just don’t think about it so much and it’ll happen.”
“You’re lucky. We would love to have some time without our kids!”
“If you wouldn’t get so stressed out about it, maybe...”
“I know exactly how you feel, it took us two months to conceive.”
“You can have a couple of my kids!”
“I’m having another boy. I was hoping for a girl.”
“This was an accident. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the summertime.”
“I can just lay in the same bed with my husband and get pregnant!”
“Maybe God doesn’t want you to have children for some reason.”
“Do you just not want kids?”
“Have you tried....”
“You’re Lucky, you don’t have to take the pill.”
“How much does it cost to do......(in vitro, artificial insemination, etc.)”
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