the latest in...pregnancies...

ugh...and I have been doing SO good lately. staying positive, keeping busy and distracted, not dwelling on the infertility issue (or the fact that we currently don't have the means of even attempting to fix it, therefore prolonging the process). but, finally, I broke down this evening...

the topic is ALWAYS on the forefront of my mind...never leaves...I never stop thinking about the baby we don't have, and currently "can't" have...but, I have done well in controlling the emotions. tonight, however, I started to feel like my "controlling" it well has actually only been numbness and ignoring the issue as much as possible.

Saturday, all the ladies in the family did a day trip to the hills where there are orchards and in the fall you can stop at each one, walk through craft vendors...eat anything and everything made of/with apples!!!  We do a ladies lunch once a month, all extended family ladies: my grandma, her siblings --> all their kids --> all their kids! It's really fun...a huge group of three generations, wonderful ladies. Well, my cousin...once removed or second cousin, I've never really understood which...just announced she's pregnant with her first. They moved out of state after they got married (a year ago September) and just moved home, and shortly after are pregnant with their first. I am so happy for her, especially because they had a few issues starting out with pregnancy. But, seeing the bump...and it's a family member...of my generation...was really hard for me to absorb. But, at this point, like I said...felt more numb...I had to breathe slowly occassionally and swallow frequently...but I did really well!

Well, today one of my close friends sent me a hesitant message to let me know they are pregnant. It was one of the most sincere and sensitive responses to our issue I've received...and I was SO appreciative for that (who knows how emotional I would have been if it hadn't been). And, I am so happy for her also...her husband is military and they have also been out of state since getting married (over four years ago), and with deployments and training it wasn't very practical to start...and they haven't tried until he got back from his last deployment 3-4 months ago. She was beginning to think she had PCOS that would cause her to have major issues conceiving also...and I wish it on NO ONE, so I am very excited for her.

I was still doing good at this point, still the numbness I think...then D walked upstairs and started reading the message over my shoulder, and what I was typing back to her. Without saying anything he just leaned over an hugged me, tight. And I lost it! Thank you honey for that! No, seriously...the flood gates openned...so the numbness was just holding back more energy and it was going to burst at some point...

I'm just tired that's all...I know I'm not at the point of ignoring the issue and proceeding with the "if it happens it happens attitude" because I've tried and can't...flat out, can't describe it...but it never leaves my thoughts, it is ever present. But, I am exhausted from the "being strong" for so long and then finally letting it out...but when I wear it on my sleeve constantly I just feel jaded, and I don't like that either......I'm tired of feeling like the option is just out of my reach, I could potentially be on an Rx that could make it "anytime now" (according to my old Dr.)- but due to our current position, we left my Dr in SoCal and I can't get an Rx from him, can't afford the Rx or a new Dr cause we don't have coverage right now...

I can talk myself in circles for days about this whole thing...and I'm just tired...

My Facebook has turned into BabyBook...

Has anyone else been experiencing this recently?

Oye...and I thought it was bad about two years ago when every week seemed like a new pregnancy announcement...NOW!!! Every week is: "my baby's turning one", "new family photos", "I'm pregnant", "baby #2 is almost here", "found out we are having a girl!", "our daughter is going to be a big sister"...wow...so, what you're saying is that I not only got left in the dust with the first (and some people's second) round of baby bumps, but now the second round is about to pop also? so now two kids and on to the third...???

Ya, as if I didn't feel like every AF I get was another missed opportunity, or another month prolonged before I'd hold a baby of my own...but now it feels like everything else is speading forward and progressing, and I'm standing still. Not much has changed for DH and I in the last few years...sure, we've matured, and we have experienced and been through ALOT!  But, every step we take forward, we seem to take at least one back...  Yes, yes...I can hear your thoughts now (I've heard it all before): "it's just not your time", "your time is not necessarily everyone elses timing", "it'll happen", "you're still young", "maybe you're just hitting it wrong", "now probably isn't the best time anyway..."

...well, honestly, do you REALLY think any of that is helpful???  Do you REALLY think that I am not in enough agony to be trying to convince myself of all those things to make it better???  AND! Do you REALLY think that saying "now's probably not the best time" makes me want a child, and to be a mother, and to make my husband a father any less???

I have heard this from alot of people lately (mostly people with other forms of cancer), that it is wonderful that Breast Cancer has broken free of taboo. That awareness is everywhere! That there isn't just a nationally recognized awareness month, but that EVERYTHING turns pink during October, showing the support from so many reputable companies all over the world.  But what about the rest of us?  I have a dear high school friend who's sister has AngioSarcoma. A VERY rare and very agressive cancer. What about her? They have no awareness month...searching for it on google turns up almost nothing...I found a comment someone made on a site about the ribbon being yellow with a sunflower on it, but found NOTHING else to support that......how do you think they feel seeing the sea of pink in October? (even if you are a girl that likes pink)

Well, I do not have a life threatening illness...so after that last paragraph it seems trivial to even type this...but I feel a small fraction of that exclusion. What about infertility???  Infertility IS still taboo! I have almost no one that I can talk to about what I am feeling, or going through...or how depressed I am or how my heart is aching.  I know now it's no longer an issue of me being too secretive about it. I have worked really hard over the last year to not belittle the issue, to talk openly about it, to share with our family about where we are at...and here we stand. PCOS (being that it is an actual physical condition that seems more tangible) has a ribbon...it's teal. September is PCOS awareness month. Well, that is at least part of my problem, but infertility in general just seemed to get lumped with it...and would you have known that TEAL was the awareness color last month if I hadn't said something???

...between facebook over the last two-three months, and the widespread discussion of breast cancer awareness saturating the "awareness" of the public...I have felt exceedingly like a person standing in a room screaming...standing still...the whole world flying by me...and I can barely move...