Well, it's been a while (I think I say that everytime I post...oh well)...

And we are - according to my calendar - finished with 21 weeks and in week 22!  Can you believe it...over half way there...  Time certainly flies when - YOU MISS THE FIRST TRIMESTER!!! We found out at about 11 weeks and were pretty much into the second trimester when we told everyone, so it's been a whirlwind for sure.

Ultrasound at a free clinic week 12 - (05/31/12):

(bebes is upside down...but you can see the little arms and legs)

Ultrasound at Kaiser week 16 - (06/27/12):

(side profile...we were amazed how much bebes had grown in four weeks)

Next appointment is tomorrow, and we will get to see it again, of course...but since my doctor thinks I am not as far along as I think I am, I don't know that he is going to tell us the sex yet.  At the 12 week they said we were about 5 days behind when I thought we were due (December 15th moved to December 20th), then at the 16 week we were suddenly almost two weeks behind (December 27th).  So, my thought...small baby.  D was in the 10th percentile in utero and barely over 5lbs when he was born.  The doctor originally wanted to schedule our 20 week radiology ultrasound between August 10th-20th...but at four locations, they have no openings until September...  So, we are just hopeful the little one will face us clearly and we will have no issues seeing which it is - and that the doctor will actually tell us!

This has been the most incredible thing!  God has blessed us so greatly...

Despite so many stressors that we have been through in the last few months, and ones we know we are approaching (particularly when bebes makes their debut)...this has been such an incredible weight lifted.  I have said that and a few individuals have thought me crazy, or used the infamous words "just wait...".  But, seriously, the weight of infertility is an unimaginable burden (unless you yourself have experienced it) - to have that weight so unexpectedly lifted, and in such a miraculous way is so freeing.  My God has freed me from that burden.  And though D and I are never without stress and drama in our simple life, that load that had been building over nearly six years, and piled with each new pregnancy and each new birth announcement (each birthday that passed of those pregnancy we heard announced)...it's incredible what a difference this has made.

Does all that mean I am as light as a butterfly and full of life?  No...sadly.  haha...I - just like every other expectant mother - am experiencing hormones, hot flashes (my WORD July/August in southern California at 5 months, while attempting to not run the AC is brutal), exhaustion - which leads to more mood swings, and starving hunger.  However, praise the Lord, I haven't thrown-up thus far.  He has been so merciful on me.  I truly believed that after waiting so long, and begging Him, and arguing with Him, and pleading that I'd take ANYTHING the pregnancy could throw at me...please bless us with a child..............well, I was sure I was going to have a rough pregnancy.  Gladly, no, thus far.  Remember, I didn't even know I was pregnant until 11 weeks...the nausea I experienced has been controllable with eating, anxiety and overheating seems to be controlled by sitting and breathing slowly, I'm over most initial food adversions (except avocados...so sad), really the only thing I can do very little about is headaches and cramps in my hips.
 - I'm sorry but one standard strength Tylenol doesn't do anything! -

I'm anxious to know the sex...but both times we have had an ultrasound the little one has been squirming.  The first proved it was definitely a spastic little child of D's...and the second showed toes and fingers wiggling, bebe stretching, and what we believe was the hickups...

I've got some great ideas about the "nursery" but I'll save that until later (maybe until we know the sex)...but theme I believe is owls!!! 

Anyway, more to come...

Woah!!! Didn't see that one coming...

My last three cycles are as follows:

October 7th, 2011
February 5th, 2012 (yes, that's right...I was going for a record! 120 day cycle...)
March 11th, 2012

April 18th, spotting...right after some "activity" the night before...
A week later a little more "activity"...another day of "spotting", if you could call it that...

Since the end of April my "girls" have been so sensitive that I can't touch any part of them...to the point where sleeping is painful, and to roll over in the middle of the night wakes me up (this hasn't stopped for even one day).  I got a little concerned by this and did a self breast exam about a week ago, which was EXTEREMLY painful, but...of course...everything seemed normal.  What is NOT normal (for me because I am not "the norm") is that despite my "prolactin" imbalance, I have not had any lactation issues in the last month......curiouser and curiouser...

I've been STARVING for the last 2 1/2 weeks...however, everything I eat I feel like an hour later I'm trying not to puke it up.  Nausea non-stop for the last 2 1/2 - 3 weeks, constantly (again something that has not stopped since it started). 

I have had really bad allergies this season; considering the weather, change of environment, and the fact that we work/live next to a place that has weed-eating and lawn mowing going multiple times per week.  However, for the last week, everytime I sneeze it feels as though my ovaries are going to come jumping out of me...painful and bazaar.  (And now, even coughing causes this feeling as well).

For the last 3-4 days I've had multiple occassions of bad acid-reflux.  Which, DH gets, but I don't typically (unless I were to eat spaghetti and then go for an hour hike in the sun).  Very unusual for me.

I've been exhausted, and no matter how much sleep I get- I'm still exhausted.  To which I have been blaming my absent mindedness when I completely lose my train of thought...

Now, all of this can be attributed to stress.  My body/system is so messed up, it doesn't take much to throw it for a loop.  Look at the length of time between my October and February cycles...that was most definitely stress related (in addition to my medical complications).

I have PCOS and a Prolactin imbalance so no matter what, my body acts as though I am having pregnancy symptoms, however since my miscarriage in April 2007, I have not received a single positive pregnancy test.  Five years...and well over five since we went off birth control. 

Well, yesterday we were running errands and D brought up that maybe we should grab some tests while we are at the store...I told him all the symptoms I've been having lately and the fact that I always get excited when something weird happens, but it turns out to be nothing- so, I've been trying not to bring it up...

Well, we picked some up at Target - they were on sale...

This morning (cause it's "better to test first thing in the morning")...



I lost my mind!  I started crying...I had a good, hysterical 20 minutes...thank you Lord!  Praise God!  Thank you for hearing me!  Finally, life gets to start for us...

We've been in this "hang" mode since being "newlyweds"...not much has changed for us, though we've experienced alot of life since then...now we get to finally move forward with something.

Now, this post is being written on May 17th...however, I won't be posting it until we've AT LEAST hit 12 weeks...so...I'll keep journaling.  But, we aren't announcing just yet.  After our first positive, and so long of waiting...I know what is smart, and customary, to do...and as much as I'd rather have the support group if something were to go wrong again, I'd rather not get my own hopes up.  We've waited so long...and it has been a painful, agonizing road.  I've lately all but given up, and felt as though I'll be too old to make much of an effort at a family by the time life itself works out for us to afford treatment.  D told me, he was praying a few days ago, that God would give me a sign that would ease me and give us some direction in which we are supposed to head (not just pertaining to infertility treatment or babies).  Here it is, we are so guarding our hearts, but we are trusting that the extremely long dry spell was God waiting for His timing to open up the womb and pour out a child upon us.  And, that is why we got our first positive in the last five years......


God protect our baby.  Keep it safe.  Grow it to be healthy, and strong.  This precious, long awaited blessing.  Thank you Lord.


Oh, and since it was there...Happy belated Mother's Day to me...

Fertility Clinic Appt- July 13th...

...wow...when will this appointment ever get here...

to have an appointment scheduled out almost 2 months is painful!  we received the new patient paperwork for the fertility clinic extremely quickly, i filled almost all of it out the night we received it...then i received a call reminding me to fill out a health questionaire on their patient portal online prior to the appointment so i did that a few day ago.......and we still have 5 days to go!!!

filling out the paperwork, and sorting through my health history records so that i could make an accurate timeline was depressing the last few days.  as D said, "why? we are taking care of the issue..."...yes, however, sitting and sorting through mountains of paperwork that describe what i've said to my doctors, what tests i've had done, how much is wrong with me, and to think of how long it's been and we have no resolution yet can just get a little daunting...

i have this deep dread that we are going to open this can of worms by doing this, and that nothing is going to come of it.  i trust God, He has always provided for us...but this is something i basically have lost all hope for. it feels like an epic battle with will never conclude, that i may continue to seek resolution...but a baby will never come.

.........depressing, right?..........

anyway, prayers are appreciated.  i'm nervous to start with a new doctor also, but everything i have heard about NCFMC thus far has been good...so we shall see...five more days, and we start a very different phase of this journey!